Settling in for a lovely solitary lunch at a local bistro recently, I noticed two women sit down at the table next to me. They were both casually dressed and looked a great deal alike. They appeared to be mother and daughter. I thought how nice it was that they could enjoy a pre-Mother's Day meal together.
Then I noticed.
The older woman was talking on her cell phone. She talked through the drink order, the meal ordering, the salad and soup courses, the meal itself. Mostly, the younger woman sat staring at the table. Once, her phone rang and she had a brief conversation and then dove into her salad. The older woman was still on the phone, eating her meal, when I left. And I wondered why she even bothered to go out to lunch with someone else when this prolonged phone conversation took precedence? What was keeping her from being present in the moment?
It's easy to blame technology. But we're the ones who choose to allow technology to intrude. So we ignore someone we're with in favor of talking on the cell or texting instead of talking with our companion, savoring a meal out or just enjoying the presence of another.
And it isn't always our addiction to technology that's the problem.
Sometimes it's a habit -- like being:
Too busy looking ahead to the next goal, the next adventure, the next trip to enjoy what's happening today.
Too busy finding fault to enjoy the unique strengths of another.
Too busy worrying about making a good impression to be truly present -- and at our best -- with another.
Too busy to see another person's need or subtle reaching out to us.
Too busy to savor solitude and all its possibilities.
Too busy to look into another person's eyes, to listen, to connect warmly.
Too busy to savor a sight, a sound, a smell, a moment.
How much we miss.
Then I noticed.
The older woman was talking on her cell phone. She talked through the drink order, the meal ordering, the salad and soup courses, the meal itself. Mostly, the younger woman sat staring at the table. Once, her phone rang and she had a brief conversation and then dove into her salad. The older woman was still on the phone, eating her meal, when I left. And I wondered why she even bothered to go out to lunch with someone else when this prolonged phone conversation took precedence? What was keeping her from being present in the moment?
It's easy to blame technology. But we're the ones who choose to allow technology to intrude. So we ignore someone we're with in favor of talking on the cell or texting instead of talking with our companion, savoring a meal out or just enjoying the presence of another.
And it isn't always our addiction to technology that's the problem.
Sometimes it's a habit -- like being:
Too busy looking ahead to the next goal, the next adventure, the next trip to enjoy what's happening today.
Too busy finding fault to enjoy the unique strengths of another.
Too busy worrying about making a good impression to be truly present -- and at our best -- with another.
Too busy to see another person's need or subtle reaching out to us.
Too busy to savor solitude and all its possibilities.
Too busy to look into another person's eyes, to listen, to connect warmly.
Too busy to savor a sight, a sound, a smell, a moment.
How much we miss.
Perhaps, they were not really mother and daughter, maybe old friends. And, the older woman simply did not value the younger woman enough to keep up the friendship properly by turning off her cell phone while out with the younger woman. Technology does intrude on our lives, but it wouldn't if we valued the people we choose as friends enough to ignore it when in direct contact.
ReplyDeleteYes, who knows what the relationship was, though they did resemble each other strongly. You're right that we need to value the people we're with.
DeleteThat's one of the reasons I hate the intrusion of smart phones. It's a gift now to be with someone who turns off their phones to be totally with the people around them.
ReplyDeleteI find comfort in the same thing, Shelly! I love it when someone turns off the smart phone and is totally present.
DeleteThis is precisely why I have a "stupid" phone and carry it only on road trips or if I'm working nights. The other day I was at the checkout in the grocery and a woman did her entire transaction while on the phone. From what I could hear, it was a call of little consequence -- no 911 or someone ill or an emergency. When she left I asked the check out guy, "Doesn't that bother you?" And he said, "Yes, but by now I'm so used to it..."
ReplyDeleteThey really are missing so very much. In a world where time goes by so fast, it really is sad.
It is sad, isn't it? You brought up the grocery line scenario that I see over and over -- and it's really tedious when someone is so busy talking on a cell phone that he or she holds up the whole grocery line by forgetting to do the club card and bank card procedure correctly, so everyone is held hostage. And you're right: the conversations are incredibly banal and non-emergency in nature. My God! What did these people do when they had to just go through a grocery line, pay for their groceries and leave? We grew up for decades without such constant electronics and seemed to survive. It seems some people want to appear so busy, so in demand that they can't pause for ordinary tasks. They're eternally connected and yet not really connected at all with those immediately around them. I would think that grocery cashiers and store clerks would get really tired of being so dismissed. And it really is doubly tiring to be stuck in a line held up by one of these non-stop talkers and to overhear those totally boring conversations.
DeleteYou are so right on the money with this. I don't think we can totally blame technology for this. We have a rule in our family. One sibling has no problem saying this phrase to another, nor do I have a problem saying when one is distracted (code for rude): "Be with the one you're with."
ReplyDeleteI love that, Sally! I'll have to remember that. It sums up the whole message here so beautifully!
DeleteI applaud this Post as it reminds us that giving someone our Full Attention is truly a Gift that is Priceless! Being Present in the Moment makes each Moment count...
ReplyDeleteHappy Mother's Day from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian
Happy Mother's Day to you, too, Dawn -- also from the Arizona desert!
DeleteOn phones, it often seems that those who are saying the most have the least to say ...!
ReplyDeleteAnother thoughtful post. I especially needed to hear the second and third examples, as I tend to find fault in others and in myself, and it is helpful to have an alternative pointed out.
You're so right about those talking most having the least to say! Thanks, Jenny!
DeleteDarn if this is seen more and more; and people don't seem to mind. We are creating quite a dilemma for ourselves, trying to be all things to all people, in or out of sight.
ReplyDeleteAll my children refused to keep the cell phone on during the day, checking it for messages and returning calls only in the evening. They had figured out quite early, in fact, that they didn't want to be tied down by the device.
Your children are very wise, Rosaria. Depending so much on cell phones and the like can tie one down. I used to turn mine off during my commute because that was my only time to be alone and just think.
DeleteKinda sad what is happening. I see it all of the time. Wonder what this is doing to our communication... Will it get worse? I have a good friend who is totally addicted to her cellphone. She doesn't go anywhere or do anything without it right there with her. She is on it constantly... Unbelievable to me!!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for such an interesting post. We all need to THINK what we are doing --and start talking to each other again face to face!!!
And we do not need to hear everyone's private conversations (which are LOUD) on their cellphones... GADS!
Hugs,
Betsy
I so agree, Betsy: there's no substitute for talking with each other face to face!
DeleteAnd what is it about cell phones that makes people talk so LOUD???
Amen to this post. As connected as we are supposed to be, I feel most are more isolated than ever.
ReplyDeleteQuite a while ago I saw a young girl on horseback going down my road. It was a beautiful day but the reins hung slack on the horse as she focused on her cell phone screen, texting away.
The addicted might as well sit in a chair facing the wall with phones glued to their faces. They would be just as happy. Sigh.
Amazing story, Patti! Thanks for your comments! It's great to have you visit.
ReplyDeleteToo busy?
ReplyDeleteSimply extremely rude and ill-mannered, in my book.
I would not go out with this woman, even if she paid the bill.
Dear Kathy, there has been a set of photographs traveling the ethernet that show various situations in which people are together and yet all using their phones or texting. As you say, we miss the present when we do that at a gathering.
ReplyDeleteJust being present takes energy and concern, compassion and sincerity--it's letting ourselves feel instead of just think. And I know for myself that with at least one person in my life I miss the beauty of who she is while looking at those parts of her personality that I find grating.
And so again I make the decision to be present to her. I did that today on the phone and afterward felt so content. Being present is a gift we give not only to others but to ourselves. Thank you for writing about this and also for the list of examples you provided. Peace.
Yest again a post which hits the nail right on the head, Kathy. Like Jeanie, DH and I only have very basic mobile phones, which are kept switched off unless we actually need to use them ourselves (on very rare occasions). I find the sight or sound of someone texting or talking on the phone when in the company of others deeply depressing - like separate islands rather than a connected group.
ReplyDeleteGreat site on Google. I love all the stories here. I am Bill Hall's wife and I have two sons from a previous marriage. I have one son who lives here where I live and has a daughter, my granddaughter who is now 7 whom I have never seen. Never hear from this son. My other son just moved to Texas recently from here in Jacksonville, FL and never called or stopped by my home to say good bye. Why? It makes you feel guilty but what can you do. You can't chase your children. I know I have done nothing wrong. I miss my children and worry sometimes because I say; "what if I needed to really reach them for emergency?" I had to reach out to counselling and while I got good feedback, I have tried reaching out on facebook and still no contact. Just pray and say please God bring them into my life. Want to see my 2 sons and grandchildren. If anyone has any other tips, please respond.
ReplyDelete