Monday, January 30, 2012

Living with Regrets

When the music came over the sound system at the gym this morning, I was transported from the sweaty, striving for fitness present to a long ago time:

                                         Come Saturday morning,
                                         I'm going away with my friend....


My mind traveled back to 1969 -- when Michael Lynn and I saw the movie "The Sterile Cuckoo" on one of our first dates. This song -- "Come Saturday Morning"  was the theme music from that movie and it became a special song for us as well as our sweet relationship of hundreds of Saturdays was first beginning. He was an incredibly gentle, good-looking man with sandy blond hair, kind blue eyes and a sparkling smile. We shared a cautious approach to life, having largely deferred romance and relationships in college -- he at USC, me at Northwestern -- because we were so concentrated on completing our degrees and getting established in the workplace. He was a design engineer at Lockheed. I was beginning my writing career specializing in self-help psychology and health articles for 'TEEN Magazine.

We didn't take stability for granted: my father had lost his career years before to alcoholism. His father had left his mother for another woman when Michael was a toddler and his brother Jeff a newborn infant. And when Michael's father died of a heart attack some years later, he was already a distant memory to his two sons. Growing up with a single mother, Michael knew a lot about financial constraints and early responsibility.

And so we learned to play together -- going to the beach, going out for dinner at nice restaurants -- a first for both of us -- and traveling to places we had never dreamed we would go. It was with Michael that I first came to love Maui. It was with Michael, my first post-college boyfriend, that I started to become an adult. He was not my first love, but we were each other's first lovers and our time together was incredibly sweet and fun and memorable. My parents were fond of him. His wonderful mother showered me with love and kindness.

My only regret is not that we didn't end up together: we both married some years later to others who were both better matches for the people we had become and who continue to bless our lives with love both cherished and abiding.

No, my regret, looking back, is that I wasn't a nicer person then.

My immaturity and my residual anger over a failed relationship with my first love in college could, at times, darken our days together. These were times when I was critical and shrewish and a general pain in the ass. My youthful self-absorption and my anger about my unrequited college love, so unfairly displaced onto Michael, made me a trying companion at best. But Michael's patience, kindness and decency allowed our relationship to survive much longer than it would have with a less generous man.

What does one do with regrets?

Some people are consumed by them.  Some people experience them as bittersweet recurring thoughts. Some see them as learning experiences.

And what do we tend to regret most?

A recent study revealed that people carry the most regrets in the areas of education, career and romance -- with few of us, even in these economically uneasy times, expressing financial regrets.

So what can you do with such regrets?

Explore the possibilities of changing your life to ease some regrets.  My husband Bob regrets not getting more out of college, his years at Berkeley being ones of enthusiastic protesting, folk singing and exploring hedonistic pleasures uneasily coupled with times of deep loneliness. Academics were a somewhat lower priority.  A brilliant man with a thirst for learning, he deals with some of his long-time regrets by making learning a daily activity -- taking courses online, on video and at the ASU center here in our community -- in physics, economics, history, philosophy and a myriad of other interests.

My cousin Caron, who passed up college for a happy marriage to her high school sweetheart, went to community college after her children were grown and found that she loved science -- and graduated with a 4.0 GPA. The experience hasn't caused her to try to forge a career in science -- she wouldn't change anything about her life as a wife, mother and, later on, as a nurturing school secretary to several generations of elementary school kids. But she loves discovering at this stage of life just how smart she is and how exciting science can be.

Do you regret career choices -- or making a choice by default? Career changes have become the norm these days -- often out of economic necessity, but sometimes because people are putting more value on finding work that is meaningful.

When she was young, my sister Tai worked a series of jobs she did well but hated. She regretted not taking our mother's advice to go into nursing, but didn't see a way to change her situation.

Then she had a major medical emergency -- an aneurysm that nearly ended her life -- and, as she lay recovering, the thought occurred to her that "This is not a dress rehearsal!" and she resolved to find a way to go back to school and get a nursing degree.

 It was far from easy. She was a newly single mother of a toddler. Money was tight. She worked nights as a nursing aide and went to school days, entrusting her daughter to the community college day care center by day and to her soon-to-be ex-husband at night for several years. But, in the end, she had a career she loved -- and still loves -- as a labor and delivery nurse and a means to support her daughter on her own.

I know of some romantic regrets that have been resolved in surprising ways.  My college friend Lisa always felt a pang of regret that she broke up with her high school sweetheart, whom she also dated her first two years of college. But life went on. She got married shortly after graduation to a man she loved and with whom she had two daughters. They were married more than 40 years and built a life together that came apart after his drinking escalated post-retirement. Once alone, Lisa explored the Internet and found her long-lost love, now widowed. They happily re-discovered their love and were married this past fall.

You may not happen to, or even desire to, re-discover a lost love or go back to school but you can ease the sting of regret by doing what you can in the present to learn something new or explore a career shift or to take lessons learned from past relationships and use these to improve or enhance your current one.

Start forgiving yourself.  Forgiving yourself is critical to moving on with your life. Allowing yourself to ruminate, to beat yourself up, to continue to mourn what might have been keeps you locked in an unchangeable past. It also precludes making the regret a positive force in your life by learning from it and then moving on, wiser and more compassionate for your experience.

Ask yourself what your regrets can teach you now.  When you find yourself looking back with regret, you're looking at a variety of chances to learn from your life experiences. Perhaps one can learn to think over choices more carefully, or to be open to change and new opportunities, or to be kind.

The latter is my takeaway from my own regret over the young woman I was when I darkened some of Michael Lynn's days. I am a kinder person now.

Some of this is due to growing maturity and insight.

Some of it is due to life's humbling experiences that have exorcised my youthful arrogance.

And some of my better self has evolved from knowing a loving young man with a sparkling smile who was so kind then and whose gentle friendship through the years -- with birthdays always remembered and Christmas cards that always make the season merry and phone calls at critical times like when my parents died, when his mother died, when I faced thoracic surgery -- has taught me a great deal about kindness and forgiveness.

                                       We'll travel for miles with our Saturday smiles
                                        And then we'll move on
                                       But we will remember
                                       Long after Saturday's gone....


When our romantic relationship was coming apart so many years ago, there was an anguished moment when Michael asked me "The years we've been together, the experiences we've had, the love we've shared....doesn't any of that mean anything to you?"

I don't remember what I replied then.

But now I look back and think that all those long ago Saturdays and other days with Michael Lynn mattered immensely. Learning lessons in playing, in love and in forgiveness from my sweet friend has meant so very much.

35 comments:

  1. You post some compelling questions. I used to have great regrets over how I lived my life when I was a teenager, but now I've adopted that same philosophy. You can't go back and change things, but you can certainly use those experiences to build a better you. Thank you for sharing!

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    1. You're so right, Shelly! Thanks so much for you visit and kind comments!

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  2. Thought provoking post as usual. I really can't say I have regrets but I do have curosity sometimes at how different my life would be if I had turned right instead of left at a fork in the road and would I have still liked the person I would have become having taken a different path. I like me now so I don't do any more than ponder occasionally.

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    1. Yes, that "road not taken" does come to mind occasionally, doesn't it? Like you, I'm happy with me right here, right now, so I really wouldn't want to change anything.

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  3. What a wise insightful post today, Kathy.

    Jo

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    1. Thank you, Jo! I really appreciate your visit and kind comments!

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  4. Another great post, Kathy, with some very helpful advice and insights. I'm like Patti in not really having any regrets that matter about my life. I was fortunate enough to meet the love of my life at 21 and marry him at 22 and to still be with him nearly 44 years later. Everything else pales into insignificance compared with that.

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    1. You're so right, Perpetua. Everything does pale into insignificance given the blessing of a 44 years long love! How fortunate you were to find this special man at such a young age!

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  5. My only regret today? I never learned how to write as inspirationally as Dr. Kathy McCoy. Isn't it comforting to take the time to reflect and cherish the best parts of life? We can't change the past. As you wrote, we can only use those experiences to better ourselves. We are works in progress.

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    1. Aw, shucks, Janet! Thanks so much for your kindness. It's true that we're works in progress and that the past is primarily useful in what it can teach us today.

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  6. Dear Kathy,
    Thank you once again for a post that makes me consider the blessings of my life. Your appreciation of Michael and all he was in your life and all he helped you become is touching and beautiful.

    For myself, it is things I have said that I most regret. Refusing to help my little brother who had problems with reading and calling him stupid is my greatest regret. It is also the catalyst for my success as a teacher. It is why during my teaching career I got the reputation for being able to reach students who were having difficulties.

    Peace.

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    1. How inspiring that you grew from being a reticent tutor to being a fantastic teacher! That's such a wonderful example of growing from a regret.

      I do appreciate Michael a great deal. I have seen in the past and in the present what a good person he is. He married a woman who had teenage children -- and embraced them with love. And now he nurtures their children as the sweetest grandpa ever. He has never had the biological children he longed for in his youth, but he is the heart of a very close and loving family nonetheless. I never cease to be moved and amazed by his emotional generosity towards others.

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  7. I try to live my life without regrets but it is sure easy and tempting to look back over my shoulder and think "what if" As usual a really good blog!!

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    1. Thanks so much! I think it's normal, from time to time, to look over one's shoulder, but not too much -- because one could miss so much that's special about today by dwelling in the past. That's great that you try to live your life unfettered by regrets. That's a worthy goal for all of us!

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  8. This is a very powerful post Kathy with much love and grace toward your first "lover" and even toward yourself. I love that you have been able to see that you regret that you weren't a nicer person then. (I have a hard time believing that, by the way. I cannot see you as ever being unkind, or unwise.)

    If you are anything, you are a loyal friend who celebrates the growth in yourself and others. That is a trait that has allowed you to remain friends with this dear man for so many years.

    I have always said I wanted to live my life without regrets. I tried to make wise choices. I did despite those attempts of making choice I thought were wise ended up making many choices that were not so wise and brought much heartache and sorrow.

    As I have gotten older, I am more honest with myself, and this has meant that I have decided I have regrets I wish I did not have. On the other hand, I have tried to turn those regrets into new opportunities. Life for me is all about growing, learning, and making up for past mis-steps.

    Thanks again for this wonderful post!

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    1. Thanks so much for your kind words, Sally!

      I think so much of the past lives in one's perceptions. I know I could have been nicer. Michael may have a different take on that, sweet person that he is. I remember one incident with a New York publisher -- who has also become a dear friend of mine over the past 30 years. We had a dinner in New York where I made the mistake of having a drink (I don't think I've had one since) and got surly and berated him for some imagined slight. He disappeared into the men's room for about 10 minutes and then came back and said brusquely "I'm taking you back to your hotel. Come on." I was instantly sober, horrified and ashamed. I called my agent and cried about my terrible behavior with one of the most important professional contacts I had. A few days later, this publisher called me and said that he had been evasive about my contract -- which was what set me off -- because he was changing publishing houses and wanted to take me with him. I apologized for my behavior and he seemed genuinely surprised. "Oh, Kathy," he said. "You weren't so bad. Okay, you were a tad whiney. And you really ought to stick to Diet Coke. But I understood. If you knew how some other authors behave, you would understand that the other night was nothing." I still felt ashamed of myself, but was encouraged - - and have since stuck firmly to Diet Coke or sparkling water!

      I so agree with you about turning regrets into learning opportunities!

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  9. I've never been much of a risk taker. I think I could have done more of that. On the other hand, I'm in a place in my life now when I can still do it. If I want to!

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    1. It's always nice to have options, Linda, but I really relate to what you're saying about not being a risk-taker!

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  10. I guess we all have some regrets about "the road not taken" but we have to make choices along the way -- and the thing is you never know, the road you may regret not having taken may have led to a completely different outcome from what you expected. So ... who's to say?

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    1. You're so right, Tom! It's all just speculation, isn't it? Whatever road we take, there are joys and sorrows along the way and I feel that things, at least for me, have turned out the way they were meant to. I wouldn't change a thing -- although I wish I had been kinder and more insightful in my youth though I suspect that the person I am now grew from all the experiences, both positively and negatively, along my life's path.

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  11. In the end, we must all feel a bit foolish by who we were, how we acted, the things we should have said, the steps we should have taken.

    Yes, we walk through one door and we close another. My coming to America opened many doors, and closed the one door I wish now I never closed. Regrets? Of course! Yet, what we do is what we do and no amount of regret can undo it.

    This is a great post, Kathy. Wise, kind, instructive and lucid, full of wonderful examples.

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    1. Thanks so much for your kind comments, Rosaria! I would love to hear more about your coming to America and life experiences that brought you to the present time. What a fascinating and full life you have -- and have had!

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  12. Kathy, I don't know what happened, but this time it came up. Well, what I said in my note still stands -- lovely post!

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  13. Thanks for your kindness, Jeanie, both in your two comments on this post and also in letting me know about the difficulty in commenting. I'll look into that for sure. I certainly don't want to discourage any comments! I so appreciate every one of them!

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  14. I'd forgotten what a lovely song that is.

    I, too, live with regret over my self-absorption and early-adulthood cruelties... I recognized this a number of years ago and now keep "kindness" and "thoughtfulness" at the front of my mind as often as possible. It's an ongoing process, of course, but I am no longer blind to how I can effect others...

    Pearl

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    1. Thanks, Pearl! I'd forgotten how lovely that song was, too, until the other day when I heard it at the gym and it evoked so many memories. I think, like you, that it's part of evolving maturity to realize the impact we have on the lives of others and the importance of kindness and thoughtfulness.

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  15. Regrets are futile if you don't learn from them.
    You are a very wise lady. Thank you for laying out a few simple lessons in such a kind and lucid way.

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    1. Thanks so much, Friko! I really appreciated your comment!

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  16. Dr. Kathy reading this tonight just reminds me of how much I love you and your writing.
    Thank you for writing such a beautiful memory and life lesson. I think most of us can relate to this since we are older and look back on how we were when in college.
    Your last paragraph brought tears to my eyes
    Love
    Maggie

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    1. Oh, sweet Maggie, thank you so much! Love to you, too!

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  17. Forgiving oneself is really key, I think. The same way that we forgive others by realizing they did the best they could at the time with the upbringing, experience and intelligence they had, we have to give ourselves that forgiveness as well. And then move forward with new wisdom.

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  18. I found that, for me, the best way to deal with regrets, was to live in the present moment. No past. No future. Just today. And if I did today just right, I was content. And if I got it wrong, after all, there was always tomorrow.

    You have to put your choices into context. At the time you made them, it probably was the right thing to do. The fact that things over time changed can not be a factor in your original decision. Who knew? Right?

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  19. Dear Kathy, I haven't visited in a while. That is my loss. I really enjoyed this post. It speaks to so much that I need hear. At my age, and with a little extra time on my hands, I sometimes think about things I should, would, could have done different. I do have to bring my self back to the present and love myself for the person I am.
    I am always inspired to be a better person when I visit you.
    Thank you for all that you do.
    Ginger

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  20. This post really spoke to me. My biggest regret is not being able to go to university. It was always my one dream, and I made sure my daughter went, and she has a Master's degree now and loves her career. To me, having an education is the difference between being outside the candy store looking in, or being inside. But, it's never too late, is it?

    I remember that wonderful song, Come Saturday Morning... I'm going to have that going through my head now. Thank you! (At least it chases out that Adele song that has been playing over and over and over...) *heh*

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  21. This is such a deep yet sweet reflection. I do have regrets as well, but as you mentioned, the past should be seen as experiences and insightful events to lead us into wiser decisions at the present.

    Thank you for this beautiful post!

    Doris

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