It all happened so quickly.
I was sitting in my brother's home office in Los Angeles, about to read a story to my two-year-old niece Maggie, whom I see all too rarely and who had spent the better part of the afternoon working up the courage to approach me with a story request. Just as Maggie came up to me with her favorite book and a tentative smile, a well-meaning family friend, mis-reading my caution with Maggie as dislike, swooped into the room and scooped up Maggie, saying "Come on, Maggie! Let's go play!"
Amp, my sweet, peaceful Thai Buddhist sister-in-law, whose grasp of English was tenuous only a few years ago, was in the room in an instant. "I'm really pissed off!" she said, her eyes brimming with angry tears. "I'm sick of this shit!"
Our collective jaws dropped -- both at her enhanced proficiency in English slang and also at the intensity of her anger.
It occurred to me then that we sometimes stir the ire of new parents with the very best of intentions. And I thought back to many therapy sessions with clients reporting conflicts and misunderstandings with their children over the grandchildren or eager aunties finding themselves nose-to-nose with a newly minted mother tigress.
A grandmother I once saw in therapy was often in tears because she lived to spoil her grandchildren and this was leading to continuing conflicts with her son and daughter and their respective spouses.
Another enthusiastic grandma expressed her outrage at "having to make an appointment to see MY grandchildren!" She was hurt and angry about her daughter-in-law's request that she call before coming over.
It's all so tempting -- to want to spend the maximum of time with little ones we love, to make them feel loved and cherished, to give our daughters or daughter-in-laws the child-raising wisdom we've learned through the years, to give our beloved grandchildren, godchildren or nephews and nieces some of the comforts and luxuries that we perhaps weren't able to give our children when we were younger and poorer.
And yet, all these good intentions can backfire into confrontations, tears and resentments if we're not careful.
Indeed, the best intentions can go awry, cause problems and rifts in friendships and family relationships. I've seen it often in therapy: a grandmother resentful that a daughter-in-law or daughter seems uninterested, even hostile, to her help and advice; an extended family member who feels shut out; an exhausted new parent who feels overwhelmed by responsibility and unsolicited advice that seems to imply that she's incompetent and a bad mother.
Of course, I've also heard in therapy and in daily life about parents who expect grandparents and others to shoulder more responsibility for child care than they want: expecting a parent to give up a job to care for a grandbaby; expecting their parents to be babysitters constantly on call. While many grandparents, fond aunties and friends welcome such involvement, others feel overwhelmed. One couple I know actually moved 1,800 miles away from their children and grandchildren -- whom they love dearly -- to get some time to themselves.
But that's another story, another blog post. Right now, my thoughts are with new parents and what they need us to know.
As I have watched and listened in therapy, talked with a variety of grandparents who are neighbors and observed over the course of that recent weekend with my brother and his family, some thoughts and rules came to mind. These rules are often unspoken, but any violations -- no matter how well-intentioned -- can lead to painful conflict. These include:
1. No matter how warm your connection, this isn't your baby. The new Mom and Dad, no matter how inexperienced, rule. Even though you may have the parenting experience, defer to the new parents. Yes, sometimes the new parents don't know best, but make suggestions tactfully. You may feel an eye roll coming on when this inexperienced parent is giving YOU instructions for care, but this is her child. She needs to be the expert on her own baby in order to shoulder the new and constant responsibility. Ask "How can I help?" instead of rushing in with advice. And when you give advice, try framing it in a non-confrontational way: "Have you thought about...." or "I wonder how it would work if...." Be a collaborator in this much-loved child's care instead of letting the (often insecure) new parent think that you consider her (or him) incapable.
The best case scenario is to help the new parent feel more capable and confident with your warm, loving support.
2. Don't force closeness. You may have felt intense love the minute you knew this baby was on the way -- even from a distance. However, it may take the baby or toddler a little longer to warm up to you if you're not a part of his or her daily life. If a child sees you only occasionally, he or she may need time to feel comfortable. Don't insist that the child kiss you or sit on your lap. Let the child make a decision about when or whether he or she will come closer.
Earlier in my last visit, as Maggie hovered beside my chair, I told her that I could move over and make room for her if she wanted to sit with me in the rocker. "No," she said, deciding, instead, to stand on my feet, looking into my face, as I read to her. Gradually, she began to wiggle over onto my lap, eager to show me a story on her iPad. But it was her choice. (Remember how you hated being forced to kiss Great Aunt Clara during her annual visit?) As eager as you may be to gather this precious child into your arms, give the kid a break. Let the child lead the way.
3. Don't make assumptions. This includes assuming that the parents want to be away from the baby. Especially those of us without kids see the unending responsibility, the constant distractions, the sheer energy it takes to care for a baby or toddler and we assume new parents would like a break. And we assume that a break would mean being totally away from the child for a nice chunk of time.
That may be true for some. But many others would simply find an extra pair of hands useful while still staying close by. So you can give a new mother a break by preparing meals or doing housecleaning so she can relax and continue to bond with her new baby. Or you can give new parents a break by playing quietly with their child or children at home while they catch up on some postponed chores or take a nap.
Unless it's an emergency or unless Grandma plays a major role in their daily lives, babies and toddlers generally do better with parents nearby. Fun sleepovers can come a little later.
4. Don't undermine rules and beliefs or play out conflicts through the child. There is the joke that children and grandparents are co-conspirators against the parents. But, in real life, while your relationship can be pivotal and incredibly special, it's important -- especially with toddlers -- not to undermine the parents' rules, wishes and convictions. They need to learn to follow rules their parents set -- without interference.
This means not being the soft touch when it comes to discipline. If Mom or Dad says "No", it's not up to you to say "Yes." And if you're entrusted with the little one's care, even for a few minutes, it's critical to keep parental concerns in mind.
For example, I remember the angry tears of my long ago client Jody who had a toddler named Emily and an over-eager neighbor named Tracy, divorced and childless, who loved being Emily's play companion and who never reinforced any of Jody's rules for the child. When she ignored Jody's instructions during a visit to the play area of their local mall, the situation quickly became a crisis.
When Emily was playing happily in the mall's large children's area, Jody, pregnant with her second child, suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She asked Tracy to watch Emily and to make sure that she didn't leave the play area. Jody returned -- less than five minutes later -- to find both Emily and Tracy gone.
With growing concern, she checked the immediate area and surrounding stores to no avail. Now frantic, she alerted Security and called her husband -- who was working at home and was on a conference call. He dropped everything and ran to join her at the mall. They searched everywhere -- finally finding Emily and Tracy at a store on the other end of the mall. Tracy's account was that Emily had started to wander from the play area "and I just followed her to keep her safe."
Both Jody and her husband were furious and distraught. It seemed not to have occurred to Tracy to contain Emily in the play area as asked or, if she was wanting her Mom, to take her to the restroom where Jody had gone during that brief interlude. Either of those scenarios -- rather than the one that unfolded -- would have made this a non-event and certainly would have made the parents less concerned about Tracy's judgment.
Some extended family and friends may feel that loving a child means being a playmate. Some of the permissiveness and lack of judgment seem to come from personal neediness -- feeling, perhaps, that your relationship will suffer if you reinforce parental rules. The opposite is true, of course. Children can have many playmates their own age. But adult relatives and friends who offer fun and the personal safety that comes with limits are treasured indeed.
I've thought a lot about my beloved Aunt Molly lately, remembering how my brother, sister and I loved her so much and what fun we had together. But it wasn't all fun. Aunt Molly's temper could be fierce, her justice swift. When we were with Aunt Molly, we knew that, in order to have those good times, we needed to behave like reasonable human beings. She loved to have fun with us, but wouldn't put up with any nonsense -- and we quickly learned the difference. If we tried to get around parental rules with her, we hit a dead end. She always stood up for our parents. (And when she disagreed with a parental action or rule, she brought it up in private with our parents, never in our presence.)
What I always sensed as a child and know for certain now is that Aunt Molly's love for us came, not out of her own personal neediness, but out of the fullness and richness of her life. We weren't her whole life and what she brought to us from her life beyond our family was incredibly valuable. I loved to read her poetry and short stories -- both the published variety and the ones she wrote just for us, just for fun. We were all excited when one of her scripts came to life before our eyes on television. As a teenager, I loved meeting her sophisticated friends and staying overnight in her very cool apartment. I felt enriched by her life as well as by her strong and enduring love. And the fact that she had expectations of us and set limits made us feel wonderfully safe and secure with her.
5. Don't drop in. Call first -- and ask if it's convenient to come over. Even if offering help, this is important. In some families and cultures, dropping in is just fine -- but, otherwise, never assume that it's fine. Call and say you'd like to be helpful and ask if this is a good time. If you constantly drop in to play with the baby or to spend a day with baby and parents, you risk wearing out your welcome. Routines can get disrupted. Alone time can be important for the new parents and baby.
"I used to feel so upset and conflicted when my two kids were babies," my friend Jessica told me recently. "People were coming over all the time to see them, give me advice and hang out just as I was trying to get the little ones down for naps and then have some time of my own to take a shower or clean up the house a little. I appreciated their enthusiasm and concern, but it felt impossible to get anything done -- even when they wanted to help. Sometimes the help they envisioned giving didn't fit with the kids' sleep schedules or with what I really needed. I felt guilty for being so ungrateful, but I found myself getting mad at so many people I loved for thinking that my 'call first' preferences didn't apply to them."
6. Love isn't a competition. Children flourish with love from family and friends -- and it's all important.
Think about the people in your own childhood who mattered so much -- and how each enriched your life in a unique way. If a child is fortunate enough to have two grandmas and a variety of other people who love him or her, it's cause for celebration. Being competitive can drive a wedge between you and the new parents. Both sets of grandparents, all the aunties and family friends can add immeasurably to a child's life. You will all have your unique relationships with this treasured child -- and, from the child's perspective, it's all good.
7. Don't automatically shower the child with gifts. There is so much more you can give a child besides material gifts. Time and encouragement and unconditional love matter so much. There are times, in fact, when gifts can get in the way of a developing relationship.
I once had a patient named Bea who had spent years buying her two grandchildren lavish gifts. Then she suffered through a late life divorce and ended up impoverished, living in a trailer on a very tight budget. And, as much as she loved them, her grandchildren didn't seem too interested in knowing her anymore. Part of the reason was their adolescence, when friends were a much greater lure than family. But another part of the problem was that, in the flurry of past gifts, real intimacy had never developed between Bea and her grandkids. Now that gifts were not at the center of their relationship, they had little to share with each other.
There are gifts that can also violate parental preferences for their children. For example, some years back, my sister Tai didn't want her daughter Nick to get into the Barbie thing, preferring educational toys. Nick's paternal grandmother would say "Nonsense! Every little girl loves to play with Barbies." It set my sister's teeth on edge and added to the conflict between mom and grandma.
I find I have to watch my own holiday exuberance with Maggie. Mike and Amp aren't crazy about the Santa Claus custom or, being Buddhists, the whole Christmas tradition. "Besides," my brother says. "She has too much stuff already. The greatest gift you could give her is the gift of time."
After checking with her parents, another friend recently gave Maggie an insightful gift: a baby doll to care for in anticipation of the arrival of her baby brother this summer. She has embraced this gift enthusiastically, though insisting that this new baby is a girl named Sarah.
Just keep in mind that too many gifts -- or gifts that upset the parents -- can build barriers, not bridges.
While parents rule, grandmas, aunties and good friends are all important to young child's growth and development.
I remember some of my parents' friends and family members to this day with great affection: Carl Mueller, so laid back and patient, who taught me to take time, lie on the grass and notice the shapes of clouds; Frank Camerlo, the husband of my father's secretary Angela, who had been an opera singer in his native Italy and who encouraged me to sing duets with him -- to my great delight. And my parents' friends Aggie and Mac McKenzie who brought such love and laughter to my life -- as a child and into my mid-life years. My maternal grandparents were a joy to me -- not to mention a lifesaver to my brother who lived with Grandma through high school and college. Aunts Evelyn and Ruth always made me feel special. And Aunt Molly...well, she was in a whole different category altogether. She was my love, my idol, my role model, my inspiration.
As we visited recently, Mike and I shared loving memories of our Grandma Gladys and Aunt Molly. He told me how pleased he and Amp were when -- possibly prompted by my talkative inclinations -- Maggie started to talk much more during weekend I was visiting.
"I'd love you to be another Aunt Molly to Maggie and Henry," Mike said.
Oh, how I wish!
But Aunt Molly was 27 when I was born. We shared 59 years of living and loving. No matter how much I might wish it, I won't have the luxury of such time with Maggie. During my growing years, Aunt Molly was a young woman, full of energy. I'm delighted to be an aunt -- and there is so much I want to experience with Maggie and Henry, too, after he arrives this summer -- even if I don't have the advantage of a young woman's energy. I can't ever really be Aunt Molly. She was truly one of a kind. But I can be a loving auntie in my own way and time and, happily, in a very different family dynamic.
But no matter how much I'll love them and hope to share many good times and fun adventures with Maggie and Henry, I'll never forget those unspoken but critically important rules!
I was sitting in my brother's home office in Los Angeles, about to read a story to my two-year-old niece Maggie, whom I see all too rarely and who had spent the better part of the afternoon working up the courage to approach me with a story request. Just as Maggie came up to me with her favorite book and a tentative smile, a well-meaning family friend, mis-reading my caution with Maggie as dislike, swooped into the room and scooped up Maggie, saying "Come on, Maggie! Let's go play!"
Amp, my sweet, peaceful Thai Buddhist sister-in-law, whose grasp of English was tenuous only a few years ago, was in the room in an instant. "I'm really pissed off!" she said, her eyes brimming with angry tears. "I'm sick of this shit!"
Our collective jaws dropped -- both at her enhanced proficiency in English slang and also at the intensity of her anger.
It occurred to me then that we sometimes stir the ire of new parents with the very best of intentions. And I thought back to many therapy sessions with clients reporting conflicts and misunderstandings with their children over the grandchildren or eager aunties finding themselves nose-to-nose with a newly minted mother tigress.
A grandmother I once saw in therapy was often in tears because she lived to spoil her grandchildren and this was leading to continuing conflicts with her son and daughter and their respective spouses.
Another enthusiastic grandma expressed her outrage at "having to make an appointment to see MY grandchildren!" She was hurt and angry about her daughter-in-law's request that she call before coming over.
It's all so tempting -- to want to spend the maximum of time with little ones we love, to make them feel loved and cherished, to give our daughters or daughter-in-laws the child-raising wisdom we've learned through the years, to give our beloved grandchildren, godchildren or nephews and nieces some of the comforts and luxuries that we perhaps weren't able to give our children when we were younger and poorer.
And yet, all these good intentions can backfire into confrontations, tears and resentments if we're not careful.
Indeed, the best intentions can go awry, cause problems and rifts in friendships and family relationships. I've seen it often in therapy: a grandmother resentful that a daughter-in-law or daughter seems uninterested, even hostile, to her help and advice; an extended family member who feels shut out; an exhausted new parent who feels overwhelmed by responsibility and unsolicited advice that seems to imply that she's incompetent and a bad mother.
Of course, I've also heard in therapy and in daily life about parents who expect grandparents and others to shoulder more responsibility for child care than they want: expecting a parent to give up a job to care for a grandbaby; expecting their parents to be babysitters constantly on call. While many grandparents, fond aunties and friends welcome such involvement, others feel overwhelmed. One couple I know actually moved 1,800 miles away from their children and grandchildren -- whom they love dearly -- to get some time to themselves.
But that's another story, another blog post. Right now, my thoughts are with new parents and what they need us to know.
As I have watched and listened in therapy, talked with a variety of grandparents who are neighbors and observed over the course of that recent weekend with my brother and his family, some thoughts and rules came to mind. These rules are often unspoken, but any violations -- no matter how well-intentioned -- can lead to painful conflict. These include:
1. No matter how warm your connection, this isn't your baby. The new Mom and Dad, no matter how inexperienced, rule. Even though you may have the parenting experience, defer to the new parents. Yes, sometimes the new parents don't know best, but make suggestions tactfully. You may feel an eye roll coming on when this inexperienced parent is giving YOU instructions for care, but this is her child. She needs to be the expert on her own baby in order to shoulder the new and constant responsibility. Ask "How can I help?" instead of rushing in with advice. And when you give advice, try framing it in a non-confrontational way: "Have you thought about...." or "I wonder how it would work if...." Be a collaborator in this much-loved child's care instead of letting the (often insecure) new parent think that you consider her (or him) incapable.
The best case scenario is to help the new parent feel more capable and confident with your warm, loving support.
2. Don't force closeness. You may have felt intense love the minute you knew this baby was on the way -- even from a distance. However, it may take the baby or toddler a little longer to warm up to you if you're not a part of his or her daily life. If a child sees you only occasionally, he or she may need time to feel comfortable. Don't insist that the child kiss you or sit on your lap. Let the child make a decision about when or whether he or she will come closer.
Earlier in my last visit, as Maggie hovered beside my chair, I told her that I could move over and make room for her if she wanted to sit with me in the rocker. "No," she said, deciding, instead, to stand on my feet, looking into my face, as I read to her. Gradually, she began to wiggle over onto my lap, eager to show me a story on her iPad. But it was her choice. (Remember how you hated being forced to kiss Great Aunt Clara during her annual visit?) As eager as you may be to gather this precious child into your arms, give the kid a break. Let the child lead the way.
3. Don't make assumptions. This includes assuming that the parents want to be away from the baby. Especially those of us without kids see the unending responsibility, the constant distractions, the sheer energy it takes to care for a baby or toddler and we assume new parents would like a break. And we assume that a break would mean being totally away from the child for a nice chunk of time.
That may be true for some. But many others would simply find an extra pair of hands useful while still staying close by. So you can give a new mother a break by preparing meals or doing housecleaning so she can relax and continue to bond with her new baby. Or you can give new parents a break by playing quietly with their child or children at home while they catch up on some postponed chores or take a nap.
Unless it's an emergency or unless Grandma plays a major role in their daily lives, babies and toddlers generally do better with parents nearby. Fun sleepovers can come a little later.
4. Don't undermine rules and beliefs or play out conflicts through the child. There is the joke that children and grandparents are co-conspirators against the parents. But, in real life, while your relationship can be pivotal and incredibly special, it's important -- especially with toddlers -- not to undermine the parents' rules, wishes and convictions. They need to learn to follow rules their parents set -- without interference.
This means not being the soft touch when it comes to discipline. If Mom or Dad says "No", it's not up to you to say "Yes." And if you're entrusted with the little one's care, even for a few minutes, it's critical to keep parental concerns in mind.
For example, I remember the angry tears of my long ago client Jody who had a toddler named Emily and an over-eager neighbor named Tracy, divorced and childless, who loved being Emily's play companion and who never reinforced any of Jody's rules for the child. When she ignored Jody's instructions during a visit to the play area of their local mall, the situation quickly became a crisis.
When Emily was playing happily in the mall's large children's area, Jody, pregnant with her second child, suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She asked Tracy to watch Emily and to make sure that she didn't leave the play area. Jody returned -- less than five minutes later -- to find both Emily and Tracy gone.
With growing concern, she checked the immediate area and surrounding stores to no avail. Now frantic, she alerted Security and called her husband -- who was working at home and was on a conference call. He dropped everything and ran to join her at the mall. They searched everywhere -- finally finding Emily and Tracy at a store on the other end of the mall. Tracy's account was that Emily had started to wander from the play area "and I just followed her to keep her safe."
Both Jody and her husband were furious and distraught. It seemed not to have occurred to Tracy to contain Emily in the play area as asked or, if she was wanting her Mom, to take her to the restroom where Jody had gone during that brief interlude. Either of those scenarios -- rather than the one that unfolded -- would have made this a non-event and certainly would have made the parents less concerned about Tracy's judgment.
Some extended family and friends may feel that loving a child means being a playmate. Some of the permissiveness and lack of judgment seem to come from personal neediness -- feeling, perhaps, that your relationship will suffer if you reinforce parental rules. The opposite is true, of course. Children can have many playmates their own age. But adult relatives and friends who offer fun and the personal safety that comes with limits are treasured indeed.
I've thought a lot about my beloved Aunt Molly lately, remembering how my brother, sister and I loved her so much and what fun we had together. But it wasn't all fun. Aunt Molly's temper could be fierce, her justice swift. When we were with Aunt Molly, we knew that, in order to have those good times, we needed to behave like reasonable human beings. She loved to have fun with us, but wouldn't put up with any nonsense -- and we quickly learned the difference. If we tried to get around parental rules with her, we hit a dead end. She always stood up for our parents. (And when she disagreed with a parental action or rule, she brought it up in private with our parents, never in our presence.)
What I always sensed as a child and know for certain now is that Aunt Molly's love for us came, not out of her own personal neediness, but out of the fullness and richness of her life. We weren't her whole life and what she brought to us from her life beyond our family was incredibly valuable. I loved to read her poetry and short stories -- both the published variety and the ones she wrote just for us, just for fun. We were all excited when one of her scripts came to life before our eyes on television. As a teenager, I loved meeting her sophisticated friends and staying overnight in her very cool apartment. I felt enriched by her life as well as by her strong and enduring love. And the fact that she had expectations of us and set limits made us feel wonderfully safe and secure with her.
5. Don't drop in. Call first -- and ask if it's convenient to come over. Even if offering help, this is important. In some families and cultures, dropping in is just fine -- but, otherwise, never assume that it's fine. Call and say you'd like to be helpful and ask if this is a good time. If you constantly drop in to play with the baby or to spend a day with baby and parents, you risk wearing out your welcome. Routines can get disrupted. Alone time can be important for the new parents and baby.
"I used to feel so upset and conflicted when my two kids were babies," my friend Jessica told me recently. "People were coming over all the time to see them, give me advice and hang out just as I was trying to get the little ones down for naps and then have some time of my own to take a shower or clean up the house a little. I appreciated their enthusiasm and concern, but it felt impossible to get anything done -- even when they wanted to help. Sometimes the help they envisioned giving didn't fit with the kids' sleep schedules or with what I really needed. I felt guilty for being so ungrateful, but I found myself getting mad at so many people I loved for thinking that my 'call first' preferences didn't apply to them."
6. Love isn't a competition. Children flourish with love from family and friends -- and it's all important.
Think about the people in your own childhood who mattered so much -- and how each enriched your life in a unique way. If a child is fortunate enough to have two grandmas and a variety of other people who love him or her, it's cause for celebration. Being competitive can drive a wedge between you and the new parents. Both sets of grandparents, all the aunties and family friends can add immeasurably to a child's life. You will all have your unique relationships with this treasured child -- and, from the child's perspective, it's all good.
7. Don't automatically shower the child with gifts. There is so much more you can give a child besides material gifts. Time and encouragement and unconditional love matter so much. There are times, in fact, when gifts can get in the way of a developing relationship.
I once had a patient named Bea who had spent years buying her two grandchildren lavish gifts. Then she suffered through a late life divorce and ended up impoverished, living in a trailer on a very tight budget. And, as much as she loved them, her grandchildren didn't seem too interested in knowing her anymore. Part of the reason was their adolescence, when friends were a much greater lure than family. But another part of the problem was that, in the flurry of past gifts, real intimacy had never developed between Bea and her grandkids. Now that gifts were not at the center of their relationship, they had little to share with each other.
There are gifts that can also violate parental preferences for their children. For example, some years back, my sister Tai didn't want her daughter Nick to get into the Barbie thing, preferring educational toys. Nick's paternal grandmother would say "Nonsense! Every little girl loves to play with Barbies." It set my sister's teeth on edge and added to the conflict between mom and grandma.
I find I have to watch my own holiday exuberance with Maggie. Mike and Amp aren't crazy about the Santa Claus custom or, being Buddhists, the whole Christmas tradition. "Besides," my brother says. "She has too much stuff already. The greatest gift you could give her is the gift of time."
After checking with her parents, another friend recently gave Maggie an insightful gift: a baby doll to care for in anticipation of the arrival of her baby brother this summer. She has embraced this gift enthusiastically, though insisting that this new baby is a girl named Sarah.
Just keep in mind that too many gifts -- or gifts that upset the parents -- can build barriers, not bridges.
While parents rule, grandmas, aunties and good friends are all important to young child's growth and development.
I remember some of my parents' friends and family members to this day with great affection: Carl Mueller, so laid back and patient, who taught me to take time, lie on the grass and notice the shapes of clouds; Frank Camerlo, the husband of my father's secretary Angela, who had been an opera singer in his native Italy and who encouraged me to sing duets with him -- to my great delight. And my parents' friends Aggie and Mac McKenzie who brought such love and laughter to my life -- as a child and into my mid-life years. My maternal grandparents were a joy to me -- not to mention a lifesaver to my brother who lived with Grandma through high school and college. Aunts Evelyn and Ruth always made me feel special. And Aunt Molly...well, she was in a whole different category altogether. She was my love, my idol, my role model, my inspiration.
As we visited recently, Mike and I shared loving memories of our Grandma Gladys and Aunt Molly. He told me how pleased he and Amp were when -- possibly prompted by my talkative inclinations -- Maggie started to talk much more during weekend I was visiting.
"I'd love you to be another Aunt Molly to Maggie and Henry," Mike said.
Oh, how I wish!
But Aunt Molly was 27 when I was born. We shared 59 years of living and loving. No matter how much I might wish it, I won't have the luxury of such time with Maggie. During my growing years, Aunt Molly was a young woman, full of energy. I'm delighted to be an aunt -- and there is so much I want to experience with Maggie and Henry, too, after he arrives this summer -- even if I don't have the advantage of a young woman's energy. I can't ever really be Aunt Molly. She was truly one of a kind. But I can be a loving auntie in my own way and time and, happily, in a very different family dynamic.
But no matter how much I'll love them and hope to share many good times and fun adventures with Maggie and Henry, I'll never forget those unspoken but critically important rules!
Kathy, this is one of the most useful posts of yours I've ever read. So much insight and plain common-sense in such a short space. It ought to be given to all new grandparents before their grandchild is born. :-)
ReplyDeleteDH and I were lucky in that our parents lived at a distance and therefore couldn't do the dropping-in and taking-over thing. they were also sensible about gifts and rarely gave gifts other than at Christmas and birthdays and the odd bit of extra pocket-money as our children got older. What they did give them was love, patience, consistency and appropriate discipline and they always supported us as the parents.
They were such a good role model for DH and me when we came to have our own grandchildren and I've always tried to act in the same way. We too live at a distance from our grandchildren and so much value the limited times we can spend together.
Thanks, Perpetua! How fantastic that you had such great role models for grandparenthood!
DeleteThose rules are terrific and I plan to print them out and share them. Maggie and Henry will be talking about you to their grandchildren one day, of that I have no doubt. What a beautiful relationship!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Shelly. I hope I am able to contribute in a positive way to the lives of Maggie and Henry. And I do hope to have a loving relationship with both.
DeleteYou make such excellent points. I could have used some when I met my niece for the first time. I knew her via pictures, videos, and constant updates, but I was a total stranger to her. It did take time and my rushing in to give her a bear hug really could have waited.
ReplyDeleteOh, I know! Isn't it painful when you want to show your love, but have to back off? Maggie had stranger anxiety for a very long time and is only just now getting to the point of establishing relationships with those who are not part of her life on a daily basis. My brother told me that over the weekend, he was scrolling through some photos on his iPAD and a picture of me came up. He said Maggie got very excited and said "TaTa! There's TaTa!" using his own baby name for me (which he called me when he was a toddler and couldn't say "Kathleen" and then again after I turned 50, in a gesture of great affection. I loved hearing that! But it has taken a long time to get to that point with her. It's so hard when you love a baby right away but the baby needs more time to size you up and decide you're O.K.
DeleteI must admit I feel trepidation re: my only son's future children. His stepmother is estrogen-heavy, very much everyone's "mother" and quite exciteable while I am more laid-back about things.
ReplyDeleteIsn't that weird, worrying about that?!
Pearl
No, I don't think it's weird at all! If it's any reassurance, my brother, sister and I were most drawn to the least conventionally feminine member of the family. Aunt Molly was a career woman, childless and not the soft, cuddly mother figure. But she was even more special to us because of this. We loved that she wasn't traditional. We greatly enjoyed her edge. Of all the people who loved us as kids, she stands out the most in our loving memories. Maybe it will be the same with your future grandkids. They might not be as receptive to the excited mother type as they will be to your more laid-back style.
DeleteSo much good advice, Kathy! Unfortunately my grandchildren live far far away from me and I've not seen them for a very long time so popping in is not an issue! There is a great need for everybody to respect and value the others 'space' so to speak. I've known a lot of children who expect more of their relatives than they should, too. Relationships are always a two-way street and all too often that gets forgotten along the way.
ReplyDeleteExcellent point, Broad! Relationships are always a two-way street -- and some people do lose sight of that.
DeleteGood advice, Kathy, very good advice. Grand parenting can be so difficult. I tend to step in too soon at times when it comes to correcting the grandchildren. When I do, I am usurping the parental authority. I hope I am getting better than I once was.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Sally! I can't imagine how difficult it must be to keep that balance of loving involvement on the one hand and over-stepping on the other. When you love and care so much, it's very hard.
DeleteGreat advice and perfect timing. I'm heading to Texas on Saturday to visit my granddaughters during their spring break. I have a hard time with #7. Last time I was coming to visit my son in law told them "You know Nana's coming tomorrow. You know what that means?" And they both replied, "Presents!" He was talking about cleaning up their rooms because I share with each of them when I visit.
ReplyDeleteThat's so funny! Though I'm sure you offer them much, much more than presents!
DeleteKathy, this post has a lot of applications to not only friends and relatives but also to those who are entering into the lives of children who belong to the person they are dating. Kevin and Greg were seven and nine when I met them, and I'm pleased to say I think I intuitively followed all or most of your steps. But it could have just as easily gone the other way -- I was in my 40s, didn't have the experience of being around lots of little relative children (or even friend children) and I sure hoped those boys would like me. Yet, I took my time and let them find theirs, not pushing or forcing fun or surprises. Rick was good, too -- and that made a difference. He "got it" and didn't try to push us together. We were always the less flashy parents -- the ones who didn't have a big boat or big cars or fancy electronics. We played board games! So, there was a different kind of parental set-up, the have-a-lots and the don't-really-care-that-we-don't-have-a-lots! But we had lots of love, lots of listening and it really didn't take all that long to build a very close bond -- one of my happiest days was when Greg, then 11 or 12, so about two or three years later -- surprised me with flowers on Mother's Day -- Rick said it was Greg's idea. I don't think I was ever more touched. Sixteen years later, they both call me just to talk. I hope I can remember all these things when they bring home their own little ones someday!
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful, touching story, Jeanie! That's just fantastic that Kevin and Greg feel close to you and that Greg even surprised you with flowers on Mother's Day! Obviously, you were doing everything right! And I'm so glad that the love and closeness with them has continued to this day.
DeleteThere is so much good advice here. I know I'll be reviewing these, especially if grandchildren ever come along.
ReplyDeleteI have seen little ones be overwhelmed by all the adults cooing over them, and I remember being so shy as a kid, and wanting to disappear when a fuss was being made over me.
Oh, me, too! I used to hate being told to kiss someone I hardly knew! I think most of us have. My sister-in-law Amp gets very upset when someone gets in Maggie's face and won't leave her alone. That just isn't done, apparently, in Thailand.
DeleteWow! This should be posted everywhere!
ReplyDeleteGreat advice, peppered by fantastic anecdotes. All grandparents could definitely use these hints.
Thanks so much, Rosaria! I was thinking of aunties and friends, too, who can mean so well and yet cause problems -- like the friend at the top of the post. She loves little Maggie with all her heart, but regularly creates havoc with her good intentions.
DeleteAll excellent comments. I remember my mother-in-law saying, when I had my first baby, "We'll call you sometimes and say we'd really like to have the baby for the weekend, but please don't ask us to babysit otherwise." I so appreciated having clear rules. She was a lovely, loving grandmother.
ReplyDeleteWith our own grandchildren, we see the twins for a week or so in July and December at our house without their parents. That seems to work. The other grandchildren we see from time to time at family gatherings and as emergency daycare every now and then. That works for us also. As far as I know, everyone is fine with our grandparenting.
That's so great, Linda! Good for you -- and how terrific that you had such excellent role models. When limits are stated clearly, it saves a lot of grief.
DeleteWonderful post! I have no children but so enjoy being an aunt and great aunt. Letting children take the lead is so important to their comfort level!
ReplyDeleteYou're so right, Linda! Thanks so much for visiting and commenting!
DeleteDear Kathy,
ReplyDeleteThis column and many others you've written need to go into a book. I know you've had several published and now I plan on looking for your name at the library and seeing if you have anything about the pros and cons of living close to family members.
Your postings truly help others. You are a fine aunt as well as a discerning counselor.
Peace.
Thanks so much, Dee! I'll have to give some serious thought to that book! Most of my existing books are either for or about teenagers. I do have several adult books on teenage depression and "Solo Parenting" but not something about the pros and cons of living close to family members. I'm assuming you mean parents and siblings? I do have a future post I've been working on that's about when your concept of family differs from that of other family members, but it's still a ways off -- have to give it more thought. Thanks so much for your warm encouragement, Dee!
DeleteAnother great post! Your advice about taking time and letting children warm up to you is spot on. My youngest nephew has lived far away from me most of his life. I'll never forget the summer he was 4 and his mom was studying overseas for 6 weeks. The family took turns caring for him in Boston so his dad could work. The week that I spent there with my sister, who he knew much better than me, and also adored was fun, but challenging. At one point my sister was driving the car and I was sitting in the back with him when he turned to me and very sincerely asked "When are you going home?" Despite my best intentions we didn't bond well that trip and I think he was ready to get rid of me!
ReplyDeleteI love that story, Keicha! It reminds me of one Aunt Molly used to tell when she lived in Ohio and would visit us in Los Angeles for a month each summer -- something we looked forward to all year. She would go on about why was it, her second day there, my brother or I would come up to her and ask "When are you leaving?" We didn't ask that wanting her to leave.
ReplyDeleteWe were really asking -- in a very clumsy way -- "How much time do we have to have fun together and to enjoy your company?" So maybe, just maybe, there's a chance that your nephew had similar thoughts. On the other hand, the other way is funny, yet a bit painful. I hope you've had a chance to know each other better since! Thanks so much for your visit and comments!
As a Custodial Grandparent who has had the two G-Kids we're raising since Birth... may I add to your List:
ReplyDeleteDon't assume that being a Custodial G-Parent or Guardian is exactly the same as being the Parent(s). So most of these rules don't apply in exactly the same way {in our case anyway}. We raised our Children and didn't expect or plan on raising another Generation. So... if you want the kids over for however long, we'll help you pack, we appreciate the luxury of a Respite. But outsiders looking in... don't condemn us for this, until it's you, well, you have no Idea or point of reference, most G-Parents we know are exhausted & stressed if they've had their G-Kids over for an Hour, or perhaps a Weekend and can't wait to usher them back Home to Mom & Dad! They have them over when it's convenient for them... it's not a 24-7 thing. Remember we're NOT the Parent and so our sentiments do differ... we have a finite amount of patience and stamina at this Season of life, which is probably why most people our age don't breed any longer... *LOL* Spoil them all you want, we probably can't on our fixed & disability income & raising kids with no help is expensive... so we welcome those who can overindulge them and be the surrogate G-Parents we're supposed to have been to them, but can't because we've been put in Parental Roles.
Drop in anytime and often... we need the backup and the distraction of someone else for them to latch onto incessantly for attention so we can catch a short break. We adore them, and if you do too, you're our Angels with flesh on! Dawn... The Bohemian
Oh... and one more important thing that Custodial G-Parents might want you to know:
ReplyDeleteDon't assume that because we're raising one or more of our Children's Children that they were a 'bad' or 'unloving' Parent... Giving a Child up to be raised by someone else in an environment most suitable for their well being and best care and interest of the child(ren) is the most Loving and Selfless act a Parent that can't Parent them can do. Not all Children being raised by someone other than their Parent was unwanted or unloved by the Parent(s).