The Start of the Holiday (and Memory) Season

I felt a sudden lifting of spirits when I saw the first twinkling lights that told me that Holiday Season 2015 is officially here: the lights were strung on my neighbors Joe and Pat Cosentino's golf cart at the staging area of the Sun City Anthem Candy Caravan 2015.

                                                                 

2015 Halloween Candy Caravan

                                           

We started the Caravan five years ago, having come from places where kids swarmed our front porches in search of treats on Halloween night. But no kids crossed from the all ages section of our community to Sun City on Halloween night 2010. Our doorbells didn't ring. Our spirits sagged...until we decided to hop in our golf carts, bowls of candy in hand, and drive over to the all-ages part of the community in search of kids. Since then, it has become a highlight of October, a great start to the holidays. Even after Bob and I sold our golf cart to get a small second car two years ago, I have continued to participate thanks to Joe and Pat, who invite me to ride along in their golf car jumpseat to distribute Halloween treats.

This year was as festive as ever. Kids and their parents (who suddenly looked impossibly young) were out in force. We loved seeing kids in their costumes, loved their excitement, enjoyed their sweetness. While the smallest celebrants, experiencing their first Halloween or their first walking trick or treat time were especially sweet as they alternately smiled at the treats and glanced around bewildered, struggling to make sense of all these people in the streets. And there are always some standouts in our memories.

Several years ago, a little blonde girl dressed as an angel lit up as I leaned over the front seat of my golf cart to offer her some treats. She carefully selected one and then sprang into the passenger seat of the cart, kneeling to face me and planting a chocolaty kiss on my cheek. "Oh, thank you!" she said. "Thank you so very, very much!" And then she slipped down and skipped away.

This heart-warming hit with all of us this year was a little boy who tried to give us all candy after we had given him treats. "I want you to have a Happy Halloween, too," he said earnestly, extending a Twix. "I want to share."

Our hearts melted at the innocence and joy we saw on his face and the faces of so many other kids dancing around the sidewalks and streets, wishing everyone a Happy Halloween.

We were so busy enjoying the kids and giving out treats that we forgot to take pictures this year. So for 2015, the holiday spirit poster kids are my dear friend Tim Schellhardt's two young granddaughters Lucy and Leah Yarbrough, the children of Eliza and Chris Yarbrough of Craig, Colorado. Lucy, who is 18 months old, was experiencing her first ambulatory trick or treating as a duckling while Leah, 3 months old, just enjoyed all the excitement around her, smiling in her pumpkin hat.

                                                         

Lucy Yarbrough

                                                         

                                                            

                                                      Leah Yarbrough


I couldn't help but smile, too, looking at these two beautiful little girls at the sweet beginnings of their lifetimes of holiday celebrations. It put me in memory mode -- something that happens off and on to a lot of us during the holidays. I was remembering back, through time, when my own life was new, with so much holiday excitement around me and so much to come.

I had a flood of memories about Halloweens past.

A few of them proved less than stellar -- usually times when my mother's sense of the perfect costume and mine didn't exactly coincide.

There was the Halloween when I was five, slinking disconsolately from door to door dressed as a pig and behind the horrendously hot pig mask, I was suffering my very first of many, many toothaches though I didn't dare tell my mother just yet -- because I didn't want to miss a minute of trick or treating.

Then there was the Halloween when I was nine and suddenly in the full grip of puberty, having shot up to my adult height of 5'4" that year. I self-consciously hid my face while holding out my treat bag at every door because the only costume my mother could find that would fit my new adult shape and was not a sexy French maid or Can-Can girl outfit was a giant, furry skunk ensemble. Although nobody made fun of my skunk outfit, there a few newer neighbors who didn't know me and who made comments like "Aren't you a little old to be doing this?" I realized anew the downside of looking so much older than I really was, mourning a childhood ending way ahead of schedule.

But most of my Halloweens past were great fun. Costume-wise, nothing topped my brother Mike's turn as a nun when he was ten. Several years before, my mother had made a nun's costume for me after I begged to have one like my friend Pat so that we could play "nuns in the convent" together -- rather  like other little girls played house. By the time Mike was ten and I was thirteen, the habit was long outgrown, both physically and emotionally. But I had kept it as a treasured relic of a childhood ended too soon.

Now my brother, without a Halloween costume he liked, decided to borrow my nun's attire. He made a splendid nun! The first place we hit was the local convent where the nuns -- who reviled him as an incorrigible rascal at school -- didn't recognize him and, assuming he was a girl, told him how lovely he looked as he smiled coyly and fingered his rosary beads. We barely suppressed our laughter until, ladden with homemade cookies from the delighted nuns, we were off the convent grounds.

Perhaps the greatest Halloweens of all were the earliest ones I remember  -- in the late 1940's and early 50's. Our new suburban Los Angeles neighborhood was filled with small homes built hastily for returning World War II veterans in 1946. Our neighbors were truly extended family, with sweet, loving, accepting and only occasionally contentious relationships, some of which survive to this day. On Halloween nights back then, we were happiest when our neighbor Jack took us trick or treating.

Jack was, in one sense, a typical suburban postwar husband and father. In another sense, he walked to a distinctly different drummer: he was a bartender at a nightclub with a shady reputation, was proud to be related to the famous stripper Lili St. Cyr and was a transvestite.

Halloween was his favorite day of the year. He would get all dolled up, as he used to say, and gather us together for a grand trick or treating adventure, marching proudly in his high heels down the center of the street, with us following like eager ducklings. At each home, he would greet whomever opened the door with an enthusiastic hug and kiss while we scrambled around at his feet collecting candy dropped by stunned homeowners. At the time, we thought it all was simply hilarious. Only now, looking over the pictures our father took of Jack in his Halloween finery, do we sense something different. "Jack looks very comfortable in his outfit," Mike remarked after reviewing the old pictures with me. "I suspect it was only on Halloween that he could safely take it outside. It must have been some respite from a life of quiet desperation in 1950's La Canada." And we remembered how quietly and quickly Jack and his family moved away when we were still very young.

                                                                 

Jack and Bill - Halloween 1949

Jack and Shel - Halloween 1949

How Halloween has changed from the days when we were young! Our favorite treats back then were homemade cookies, candy, fudge, popcorn balls and caramel apples. Some people would invite us into their homes for an impromptu fun house and buffet of goodies. Now one wouldn't dare do that and all treats are brand-named and hermitically sealed. And yet a spirit of revelry and joy prevails. One street in our all ages community had a Halloween block party with a Star Wars theme. Other homeowners sat in their driveways, around portable fire pits, watching the celebration. Costumes sparkled and glowed thanks to new technologies.

Even some new Halloween customs are an improvement on the old. My brother tells me that in Thailand, where he and his family live, Halloween is seen as a time when children can practice giving instead of getting. And so kids start out with sacks or buckets filled with candy, toys and homemade crafts to give away. He sent me pictures of his children Maggie, 6 and Henry, 3, gearing up for Halloween Thai-style -- an occasion for learning to give to others with joy.

                                                     

                                                           Henry McCoy

                                                          

Maggie McCoy

                                                                                      

Learning to give with joy...

What a lovely way to start the holiday season!

Loneliness

When I was 25 and still new, in so many ways, to adult life, I was less than pleased when given an assignment to write an article about loneliness for the magazine where I was on the staff.

"Loneliness," I scoffed, as knowing and world weary as only a twenty something could be. "It's just self-indulgence, self-pity, so stupid."

After I finished my rant and actually did some research, I think I wrote a passable article despite various platitudes about "loneliness is one where once there were two" though I had no real understanding of the complexity and nuances of loneliness.

But life has a way of teaching one, humbling one, and all these years later, I have a completely different understanding of this complex and health-threatening emotional state.

Loneliness can, indeed, happen when a love relationship ends -- through a breakup, a divorce or the death of a partner -- and we're faced with reconfiguring our place in the world alone. Being single again after being part of a couple can feel intensely lonely -- whether the split was voluntary, necessary, and life-affirming -- or whether it was due to the devastating sense of loss after the death of a long-time, greatly beloved spouse.

Loneliness can happen with life changes -- when you stop working to retire, or go to a new workplace with a less inclusive culture or relocate to a place where you know no one and are faced with starting life anew -- a prospect that can be both exciting and daunting, with its share of lonely moments along the way.

Loneliness can happen when you feel you don't fit -- in a family, a workplace, a new community.

Loneliness is a silent phone, an empty email in-box, no text messages when you're longing to hear from an adult child.

Loneliness can happen when you think back on losses -- and wish you could spend a day, just a day, with a beloved parent or grandmother or aunt or a cherished pet.

Loneliness can be particularly painful when you're in a troubled relationship and have grown increasingly distant from your spouse -- or as you watch a dearly loved husband or wife disappear, little by little, into a disabling, terminal illness or dementia, crossing an unseen divide that is ever-widening, obliterating gradually but relentlessly the life you shared before.

Loneliness can be fleeting -- a moment of feeling very much alone in a crowded room -- or overwhelming, feeling isolated in a new place or in a relationship that isn't working.

Beyond being a painful feeling, loneliness can be a significant health risk.

• A recent study from Brigham and Women's Hospital in Boston that followed 8,300 men and women 65 and older over a 12 year period, and found that those who, at the beginning of the study, reported feeling the loneliest had a 20 percent faster decline in mental ability than those who said they weren't lonely. How and why does this happen? Lead study author Nancy Donovan speculates that the psychological stress of loneliness may cause harmful brain inflammation, thus leading to the significant decline.

• A study from the University of Chicago has found, for the first time, a direct correlation between loneliness and high blood pressure among people 50 and older. Among subjects reporting feelings of loneliness and social isolation, a blood pressure increase was evident two years into the study, and continued to increase until the study ended four years later.

What can you do to decrease feelings of loneliness and isolation and to make warm, healthy connections with others?

1. Reach out in positive ways: Reach out with the concept of giving to others or to another. This might mean volunteering with others for a cause you believe in or participating in a group with shared interests. It might also mean reaching out to others -- whether the person is an old friend or an adult child with whom you haven't had much contact lately -- in non-guilt inducing ways. Express genuine joy at seeing them, hearing from them, reconnecting instead of making a comment like "Hello, stranger..." or "It's about time...!"

2. Let go of expectations that one person, a spouse, or certain people, your adult children, acting differently, are the solution to your loneliness. As loving as a spouse may be, he or she can't meet all your needs for companionship, entertainment, love and affirmation. You both need time alone, time with friends, time to pursue special interests. In the same way, your adult children aren't and can't be the buffer between you and overwhelming loneliness. They have their own lives. Ideally, their lives with intersect happily with yours at certain intervals, but if you have raised them to be independent, productive citizens, you've done your work as a parent well. Now is the time to rediscover some interests and pursuits of your own, a renewed intimacy with your spouse, the joy of having a circle of friends and comfort with your own company.

It can be especially difficult when you've been part of a close couple and then a spouse's disability or dementia has added stress and a growing sense of loss to the mix. I've seen this happen with more and more friends and neighbors.

"It really points up the fact that time with others and time for a little fun and escape is essential," one of these friends told me recently. "When I can get out of the house for lunch with a friend or to go see a movie, I get away from life as I've come to know it for a little while. For two hours, my life feels normal once again. And that's a good feeling. It gives me the strength to go back and be an attentive caregiver once again."

3. Recognize your own part in your loneliness:  Loneliness can be self-reinforcing as we defend ourselves against anticipated rejection, exclusion or disappointment from others. So some lonely people can put out "Don't mess with me!" or "Leave me alone!" vibes that keep others at a distance. You may find yourself actively avoiding contact with others or allowing your loneliness and depression to predict the outcome of any attempt to connect with another -- for example, putting off calling someone "because they probably wouldn't want to get together...or talk..." thus erecting walls of one's own making.

4. Take the risk of putting yourself out there.  Especially when you're feeling depressed and isolated, there is a tendency to withdraw from others and activities, to wait for the world to come to you rather than stepping outside your immediate comfort zone and embracing the world.

I was reminded of this the other day when I complained to my friend Marsha that I have come to dislike our community -- rife with so much unnecessary infighting, deliberate unkindness, snobbery, pretensions, and junior-high style cliques -- and am disappointed that what once seemed like such a promising move has proved to be an isolating one..

"I know," she said. "It is disappointing. I know exactly what you mean. On the other hand, there are some good people here. You just have to get out and among them. I've developed a nice circle of friends playing MahJong and have met some terrific people at outdoor water aerobics. If you get out more, you'll run into more people you might like and get re-acquainted with some good people you already know."

And I knew she was right.

5. Accent the positive in relationships: Another quirk of loneliness is devaluing the relationships we do have, whether this is a relationship with a spouse ("Oh, I just can't talk with him! He never listens!") or with a friend ("She's so into her grandkids, she doesn't care...") or neighbors ("People around here are just a bunch of jerks..."). We feel -- and feed -- and growing distance by devaluing those closest to us, perpetuating feelings of loneliness.

Looking, instead, at how we've been blessed by relationships increases our connection with others as we appreciate anew a spouse's sense of humor or emotional support and generosity or a friend's willingness to listen or the thoughtfulness of an acquaintance or a neighbor that we might have minimized before or simply taken for granted. It's time to take a closer look at and cultivate new appreciation for the numerous blessings of our family and friends.

6. Be open to the new -- whether new level of intimacy in a friendship or new friendships. When we cultivate a sense of openness about the growth of existing relationships or the possibility of making new friends, we rarely find ourselves lonely. On the other hand, closing ourselves off to such possibilities is a fast track to loneliness.

One neighbor I'll call Ann greeted me with a sour expression and dismissive wave of the hand when Bob and I first moved to our present home, which was in a newly built neighborhood of people who had all relocated from other places within the previous six months. "We already have all our friends," she said. "So don't come looking to be my friend. We don't have room in our lives for anyone else." In the six years since, she has grown increasingly isolated due, in large part, to her attitude toward others and, in part, to the fact that, in any situation, some friendships are temporary and perhaps only a few have lasting power.

Our lives are enriched by all of the people we meet, whether or not they become forever friends. And some forever friends start out as acquaintances until the relationships move to the next level with mutual trust and respect.

7. Find ways to connect that feel comfortable. Increasing your level of connection with another, whether this is a spouse, a friend or a neighbor, doesn't have to mean long, soul-baring talks. It can mean time shared together -- taking a walk, enjoying music together, sharing views of a movie, a book or thoughts with a friend.

Warm connections with others may take forms you hadn't expected.

Maybe you won't have a deep, uninterrupted conversation anytime soon with a friend who has a young child but you might enjoy the child together, talking, laughing and sharing your thoughts between toddler emergencies.

Talking over lunch with a friend, perhaps just discussing books or movies you've enjoyed may not seem so revealing or in-depth -- until you realize anew how much you have in common -- and feel a closer bond in that moment.

You may not say much when you reach for a spouse's hand in the dark just before you fall asleep, but holding hands in the quiet of that time can feel incredibly intimate.

And in these simple, everyday moments, you suddenly realize that you are not alone, that you do have love and connection and companions. It's a matter of learning to be in and savoring the moment, valuing the thoughts you can share and feeling the love of a spouse, with you through moments of closeness and distance throughout your years together, with a hand held quietly in the dark.

The Joy of New Pursuits

I can't claim to be a technology whiz. I've been dragged by necessity, whining and protesting, into the 21st century of social media phenomenon. Five years ago this month, I was biting my nails through an intensive course in Blogging 101 by Dan Blank, not realizing at the time just what a joy this new pursuit, this blogging thing, would turn out to be.

I faced new challenges this summer.

Before she agreed to sign me as a client, my new literary agent Stephany Evans told me quite frankly that I needed to revitalize my "platform."

Book authors, particularly non-celebrity non-fiction writers, need to have platforms that demonstrate an ability to connect with the reading public. This might mean having public speaking skills and experience or a newspaper column or frequent articles in national magazines. It can include blogging or podcasting or creating You Tube videos. It means having the energy and imagination to reach out in many ways to potential readers and a willingness to take the initiative in promoting one's  books at bookstore signings and special events as well as via media contacts.

I knew Stephany was right. My platform needed a major overhaul. Yet part of me wanted to whine "But I just want to write!"

That's not how it is these days.

Stephany suggested that I check out media consultants and she highly recommended that June Clark (www.gettheremedia.com) should be among those.

When I had finished checking possible media experts, June was the standout. I met with both June and Stephany when I was in New York for the Davy Jones tribute in early summer. Their encouragement was energizing. And when June and I started working together in early July on my platform overhaul, things started moving even faster.

June mapped out my areas of expertise and strengths along with a plan to utilize all of my skills and to develop some new ones as well. As she built a totally new interactive website, she made numerous suggestions that kept me busy all summer.

The new website: http://www.drkathymccoy.com

She pushed me to learn all I could about major social media and start using them. I'm working on getting comfortable with Facebook, Google Plus, LinkedIn and Twitter.

She insisted that I become active with HARO (Help a Reporter Out) and make myself available for interviews in areas of my expertise. About a dozen reporters took me up on my offers to help, including some from U.S. News and World Report, Today.com and CBS News.

I reactivated my California license as a psychotherapist -- finding that I had missed doing therapy and that being an active therapist rather than a retired one added vitality to my platform. After completing the required 36 units of continuing education to reactivate my license, I signed up to do virtual therapy for California clients via VirtualTherapyConnect.com.

VirtualTherapyConnect unique URL: http://www.virtualtherapyconnect.com/drkathymccoy


I wrote a free mini e-book "Seven Ways to Improve Your Relationship With Your Adult Child", available for the asking in PDF form on the home page of my new website.

I took a six-week class in Podcasting (from Media Bistro taught by the wonderful Maurice Cherry) so that I could link a podcast with this blog. The "Living Fully with Dr. Kathy McCoy" podcast is now available on iTunes, Stitcher Radio, InTune and on my new website as well. Initially, the podcast is featuring audio versions of some of my blog posts most popular with readers, but eventually there will be all-new topics covered. A new episode appears each Monday and can be found on the following links.

iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/livingfullywithdrkathymccoys/id1042174416

Stitcher Radio: http://www.stitcher.com/s?fid=73830&refid=stpr

Website: http://www.drkathymccoy.com/podcasts


Looking back on this busy summer, I'm amazed and delighted.

At the beginning, I felt overwhelmed and fearful of learning new technology. I whined about Twitter (even after a kind tutorial from my social media savvy next door neighbor Judith). I was afraid no one from HARO would want to talk with me. I worried over my weekly homework for the Podcasting class. I dreaded having new professional pictures taken.

But with continuing encouragement from June and Stephany, I learned some new skills and took some risks and ventured outside my comfort zone.

And it feels good! Not just to have a new platform, but to learn, to grow and to have this lead to new experiences -- like a conversation I had with a 20-year-old male medical assistant/aspiring rock singer in my doctor's office recently.

I told him I was trying to stay mentally sharp by mastering Audacity, a recording software. His face brightened. "No way!! Really???" he said, looking at me with new interest. "You're recording with Audacity??? My band and I use that! It's so cool that you're learning it, too!" I asked him to explain some technicalities to me and he happily did so.

My doctor -- Scott Finkbeiner -- came in the room while we were talking tech and he smiled broadly. "That's what I love to see!" he said. "Keep learning, keep engaging with life! That's a prescription for good health!"

Dr. Finkbeiner said that the patients who worry him are those who sit around all day watching television and focusing on their aches and pains - rather than exploring new ideas, new skills and new ways to connect with others.

In the wake of all these learning experiences, I feel hope. I feel energized. I feel elated to be learning something new, to be conquering my fears and chipping away at my ongoing tech phobia and to be embracing, little by little, more of the wonders of 21st century technology!

What's Real?

It was a surprise comment, from an occasional reader of my blog, off the topic and appended to a recent blog post. I didn't publish it on the post because it didn't address, even remotely, the theme of that post.

But the comment made me think because it was a rather personal criticism and it raised an issue that hasn't come up before the past few weeks in this and a few less strongly voiced comments. I wondered if others might have the same thoughts, still unvoiced.

This is the comment:

This is totally off topic. I used to be a reader of your blog a long time ago. I was used to your 2011 photo. I have to admit that when I came back to read your blog today I was completely shocked by your new 2015 photograph. At first I thought you had plastic surgery until I read the caption under your new 2015 and how you had a photographer to the stars do your photo. As a photographer myself I am shocked at the massive use of photo touch up software he did to your photo, especially your neck and the false whitening of your teeth. For a medical person who advises people to own up to their age and who they truly are, I found the whole matter hypocritical. You may think you look good but to my eye you're just another phony like those celebrities you imagine yourself to be. Shame on you! So disappointed. You're fooling nobody except your vane self. on Envisioning the Future with Your Adult Child

I was surprised by the vehemence about the photo, which is visible postage stamp size on the side of this blog, in a time when there are so many truly important issues to spark our outrage. And I was puzzled: I hadn't discussed the new photo or the photographer on this blog and only very briefly on Facebook and Google+.

My dear blogging friend Dee Ready suggested that perhaps the reader fears change in her own life and is bothered when she sees change in others, even situations that seem inconsequential, like a changed appearance in a photo. What's real to this person may be the past, not a changed present.

This reader's comment did make me think: what IS real? Especially when we're looking at the life of another, so much that seems to be real and true may not be.

In my case, the appearance changes between these two professional pictures that the reader referenced -- both of which were enhanced by a makeup artist and by photographic retouching -- actually reflect some changing realities in my life: I'm happier, healthier and lighter now than I was in 2008.

But the comment also misses a point about professional pictures.

                                                           

"2011" Photo (taken in 2008)

2015 Photo

For most of us who are still working in our later years, there is the challenge to radiate vitality as well as demonstrating a certain level of expertise in technology and the social media. In my efforts to revitalize my professional writing career, under the guidance of a new literary agent and an expert media consultant, I have been challenged to update the "platform" so necessary for non-fiction writers today.

For many of us, there is a certain disconnect physically between our personal and professional lives. Personally, I live in shorts, capris and T-shirts, rarely wear make-up, have let my real white hair emerge, am frank about my age and happy to be seventy, a privilege denied many I have loved. That is the real me.                                                      

Professionally, it's not so simple. When seeing patients, I dress in business attire and put on a little makeup. When having a professional picture taken -- as opposed to an informal snapshot with family or friends, many of which I have posted on this blog -- heavier makeup and some retouching is part of the package. It is not so much vanity as professional necessity. That is also the real me.

We are all blends of our personal and professional identities.

We look one way while hanging around the house with family (and few of us, I imagine, do the Donna Reed thing in heels and pearls) and quite another at work or at a special social event. There are fun snapshots and then there are business and professional head shots. They are all real, all us, just in different parts of our lives.

My most recent professional picture -- taken for my new website -- is actually more authentic than the one it replaced.

In the 2008 picture, I was still coloring my hair.  A makeup artist applied even heavier makeup -- to cover the dark circles and facial splotches that were due to my working three jobs, not getting enough sleep and eating on the run.  The photographer then -- also one specializing in actor headshots -- chose to shoot the photos at 9:30 at night, feeling that darkness combined with a touch of artificial lighting would be kinder to my aging face. And there was even more retouching to that photo than there was to the current one.

In contrast, the new photo was taken at high noon in late July at an outside mall in Scottsdale, AZ with the temperature 108 degrees and the humidity high. I was wearing a T-shirt and my hair was its natural color and the cut my typical wash and wear style. My lifestyle is less frantic these days. I'm in a much happier phase of my life and that shows in my face. So does continuing weight loss. A professional makeup artist gave me a more polished look for the camera this time around as well. There was a bit of -- but not massive -- retouching around the neck. Personally, I'm not ashamed of my neck. Professionally, an aging neck is not an asset. This was a professional picture, taken as part of a campaign, not as a wanna-be celebrity, but to revitalize my professional "platform/image" so that I can continue to earn a living as a writer.

Professional pictures -- like professional clothes -- are necessary at times. The photo is on my blog because, even though I started the blog as a personal pleasure and adventure -- and it still is -- it is now also part of my professional platform. It's a matter of my personal and professional pursuits crossing paths.

The new picture isn't an attempt to fool readers. I couldn't, even if I wanted to, Most of you who read my blog regularly have seen photos of me in all the aspects of my life -- from making a speech to lounging shoeless on a patio with my brother and sister to hugging a beloved cat and now to posing for a professional picture.

And, as you experience in all aspects of your own lives as well, all of it is real.

When You're Married to a Hermit

Bob and I both smiled when we saw the notice of the reunion show of the "Monty Python" stars last year. From the earliest days of our relationship, we've laughed together and tried to recreate famous lines from the Parrot Sketch, the Lumberjack Song and all the rest of the memorable songs and sketches from the popular t.v. show of the Seventies. This latest reunion show would be screening live and replaying once only later in the week at select locations, none of them especially close to us.

"But it would be fun to see..." I said.

"It would..." Bob said, leaning over Ulysses, his latest reading project, and making notes.

With that faint but audible encouragement, I went online and bought tickets.

When I told Bob we were set to go, he looked distressed. "I have my life exactly as I like it, my reading projects, my music, my Netflix films," he said. "I don't want to drive an hour and a half to see this. I don't want to disrupt my routine...."

I nodded. I understand the comfort and safety of routine. I enjoy our home, too. I've always thought of myself as more reclusive than not. But I'm coming to realize that, in comparison with my spouse, I'm a social butterfly.

What do you do when one of you prefers more solitude than the other?

Accept each other's preferences and discuss how to handle these.  Get clarification, before acting, regarding just what the other person is willing to do.

In the case of the Monty Python screening, we both did go, Bob somewhat reluctantly but understanding how important it was to me. We both agreed that the show was a bit of a disappointment but also enjoyed getting out together.

In terms of socializing, Bob's needs appear to be met largely by weekly guitar jam sessions with our friend Theo. I have a greater need to have and see friends, though my work schedule of late is making me positively hermitic. I do go to L.A. from time to time to see old friends while Bob stays home quite happily with the cats. I'm becoming more comfortable attending social gatherings alone. Quite frankly, I would rather go alone than to see Bob uneasy. And I'm finding that attending events alone is, over time, increasing my sense of confidence and autonomy.

Reject the martyr role for either of you: Forcing a spouse to participate in an event he or she doesn't want to attend isn't worth his discomfort, your unease and an altogether wretched time. On the other hand, don't sigh and stay home if you're really wanting to go. I went on a trip to Palm Springs last year to see the "Palm Springs Follies" with a busload of neighbors and made some lovely new friends along the way.

Realize that you may simply have different ways of meeting your social needs. There are some people who would never believe that Bob is reclusive. When he walks to Starbucks and the grocery store at dawn each day, he talks enthusiastically with baristas and cashiers, making them laugh, remembering to ask about their families, their pets, their health issues. After half an hour of visiting, a cup of coffee and a blueberry bagel, Bob is sated and ready for another day of treasured solitude. He knows many more people than I do at our local shopping center. (My shopping style is to be pleasant but to dash into the store and out as quickly as possible.) If the Safeway and Starbucks personnel were asked to pick the hermit in our family, I'm sure I'd would win by a landslide. And yet...I sometimes yearn for a different type of socializing: long conversations, one-on-one. I find myself missing friends in L.A. with whom this is easily possible and friends in Arizona who, because of their schedules and mine, are not able to sit down for a good afternoon of talking story, as the Hawaiians call it, as often as I would like. But I also see this as my challenge to solve, not Bob's responsibility.

Be aware of changes in behavior that could be problematic. Some people are content with their own company. It's simply a long-established personality trait. Some others may have a deep-seated need to avoid social interactions. When this causes distress, either to the person or to the spouse, some psychotherapy or marital therapy may be in order. For others, sudden reclusiveness may signal depression or another issue that signals the need for a trip to the doctor for a checkup.

 One of my neighbors became a sudden recluse, for example, when he began to lose his hearing and could no longer understand conversations, especially in crowded, noisy venues. His physician referred him to a hearing specialist. Now that he has hearing aids, he's back on the local social circuit.

The red flag is a definite change of previous behavior, perhaps sudden, that signals the need to look for possible physical or psychological factors with the help of a medical professional.

Develop friendships with others who enjoy some of the same activities that you do: Go to shows or out to dinner or even travel with friends. This keeps a travel-adverse spouse happily at home and allows the partner with the desire to visit new places and attend special events to be satisfied as well.

See value of other's point of view and bend on occasion.  Not all hermit-spouses stay happily at home and not all of those with a bit of wanderlust head off happily alone or with friends. There can be tension, hurt feelings, unhappy compromises. What can help, in such situations, is a conversation about what's possible and what's not, with no blame or accusations, but understanding and valuing each other's perspective.

It can also help for each partner to make occasional concessions. The recluse may need to hear that at least a little socializing can be a major health benefit and venture out from time to time. The more social spouse may come to recognize the value of quiet and solitude on occasion, finding that time at home to relax, to reconnect with each other and to look within can be a blessing.

Envisioning the Future with Your Adult Child

The email was poignant. I could empathize with the pain and fear the mother who wrote this was feeling.

I am having a hard time accepting getting old. Also I am dealing with my adult daughter not showing any love nor care for me. She also mentioned that I need to take care of my health because if I become disabled she is going to put me in a nursing home where I will be taken care of. She said it would be selfish of me to expect her to care for me. I am not sure if she knows that by telling me that has ruined the rest of my days. So, how can I age gracefully and happy when I know i am going to end in a nursing home?

I thought about how scary it can feel to imagine a future of illness, disability and pending death -- something all of us will experience though in somewhat different ways. Some fear losing their independence while others fear independence, how they will cope when or if they lose a spouse, hoping to move in with one of their adult children.

Sometimes our hopes and their dreams are in harmony. Sometimes there is distinct dissonance. 

And it made me wonder: just how much is reasonable to expect from our adult children as we age? How much is too much to ask?

Also, if there is a clash of expectations, does that have to ruin the rest of one's days?

Our expectations, of course, are very individual, seasoned by our own experiences and by cultural considerations.

I once dated a Jewish man from Iraq who, at the age of 25, had promised his dying father that he would take care of his then 45-year-old mother for the rest of her life. He took this oath very seriously. He loved his mother dearly, though, with her demanding nature and prickly personality, he often found her a trial. Worse, her aggressive rudeness toward every girlfriend he ever had posed a real challenge to his romantic life. His married sister offered many times to take the mother in but the mother  always insisted "My place is with my son because he promised." That promise cost him any chance of marrying. He was 83 -- and his mother was 103 -- when she died. 

When we were dating, more than 40 years before that, I would ask him why he was letting his mother determine the course of his life and he would reply "I made a promise. I know better than anyone how impossible she is. She is, without a doubt, the most selfish woman alive. But in my culture, we don't dispose of our older people just because they are inconvenient or hard to live with even if caring for them makes our own lives worse." 

He is now 85, in poor health, and alone, never having been married or having the children he once dreamed of raising with love from babyhood to gloriously independent adulthood.

There was Ana Maria, an injured factory worker who was a patient of mine when I was on the staff of a Worker's Comp clinic. She had been starting medical school in her home country when her mother, who lived in the United States, had a minor stroke and sent for her, contending that it was her duty to care for her. Ana came immediately to care for her mother, whose disability was slight,  whose general health was quite robust but whose emotional neediness was overwhelming. 

Every time Ana would mention going back to medical school, her mother would protest "But I need you!!" So Ana gave up that dream and stayed, eventually marrying a man who was initially charming and eventually abusive. Finding herself a single mother of two after he left her for another woman and, with no work history in the U.S., Ana felt lucky to get a factory job. After she suffered a work-related arm injury requiring surgery, I began to see her for supportive counseling. 

Her feelings were a mix of angry regrets and loving commitments. "I am angry that my mother demanded I give up a life I had worked so hard to achieve and I'm mad at me for relinquishing it all," she said. "On the other hand, my kids mean the world to me. If I had stayed in Mexico, I wouldn't have had them. And if I had stayed in school though my mother needed me, I would have felt bad about myself. I chose to come here and care for her. But overall? I think my mother expected too much even though caring for family is a big part of our culture."

Even keeping cultural considerations in mind, these are scenarios I'm sure many of us would not want for our adult children, believing that there are ways to show love and support without sacrificing one's own life and dreams.

How does one begin to envision an unknown future?

To envision the future, look to the past: What is your family history? Is there a pattern of early-onset dementia? Or have one or more generations suffered from Alzheimers? Has cancer taken a toll on your family? While it's impossible to predict your own health future, if there are certain trends in your family, it can help to imagine yourself in such a scenario and devise a plan for the future that assures good care while demanding as little as possible of your adult children. In the past, especially when women did not work outside the home, full-time caregiving by an adult daughter or daughter-in-law was more common. That may no longer be a realistic expectation.

Begin planning as if you were single and childless: What insurance do you need? What can you afford? Meet with an independent financial advisor (one with nothing to sell!). Check out long-term care insurance before you're old enough that the cost would be prohibitive or you might have medical conditions that would preclude coverage altogether. What are your possible resources for help if you become ill or disabled? If you build a safety net for yourself as if it were all up to you -- and, for the most part, it is -- you will not only build a future the way you would prefer, but also will be asking less of your adult children. Asking less of them may bring more rewards than you ever imagined when they are able to choose how they will offer you their love and emotional support.

Create a sense of comfort with the unknown.  None of us can know the challenges older age can bring. We can get some clues by looking at the generations before us, but those are their stories, not necessarily ours. We may die suddenly tomorrow or live long lives with a gradual decline. We may never see the inside of an assisted living facility or a nursing home. It's impossible to know unless one already has a degenerative health condition. While it's prudent to plan for the future, it's also important to live fully in today, enjoying each happy, independent day as it comes to us, seeing this as a blessing denied to so many. Knowing that good health and life itself are finite can make today even sweeter.

Talk about future scenarios with your adult children, collaboratively, not in terms of your expectations. Ask them what they imagine and what they fear. Talk about your own parents, their grandparents. How would you like the future to be different? What is their vision for your future together? Talk about what you would like, not what you expect.

Know that love takes many forms and that you can have a good life and good relationships with your adult children whether or not any step up with an offer of full-time care. Living fully and joyfully is a choice --  whether or not you're close to your grown children and whatever your adult children do or don't do. You can build a life of friends, extended family, and neighbors. You can find companionship with a beloved dog or cat. You can find fun and engagement in interests and activities with friends and other extended family members. 

And as you live fully, joyfully and independently, your adult children may love you more.

My brother, sister and I always agreed that Aunt Molly, our father's childless, never married sister, was our third and best parent when we were growing up. She brought fun, laughter and poetry into our lives and also loved us enough to teach us some tough lessons in becoming kinder, more tolerant, resilient and self-motivated adults. In fact, she was central to our lives for many years longer than our mother and father, who both died of heart attacks within four months of each other, when we were still young adults.

Aunt Molly was delightful, highly intelligent, pivotal to our lives but she also had her own life filled with friends, interests and her continued career as a writer well into her eighties. By the time she passed her 85th birthday, we began to worry about how it might be for her and how we could help should a stroke or other medical misfortune take away her independence. She worried, too, and had given the matter much thought and action.

"Whoever said old age is not for sissies was surely right," she told me one day. "You really need a sense of humor in these so-called golden years. Besides the fact that I love you, I will tell you three things and then make a request. The three things are: first, my will, birth certificate and wishes for my funeral are in the first folder in my file cabinet; second, I have every kind of insurance possible, including long-term care that provides for in-home care; finally, my greatest wish would be to be cared for by professional caregivers, if needed, and to die at home."

I nodded, not wanting to imagine such a future, but marveling at her careful planning.

"And now what I want to ask of you," she said, her eyes filling with tears. "All I ask is your emotional support as I go into this phase of my life. It's a little scary..."

"I know it is," I said, my own eyes filling with tears. She suddenly looked so frail and vulnerable.

We embraced and I felt a wave of love and a touch of relief. Emotional support was something I could give -- and my brother and sister could give, each of us in our own ways -- freely and willingly. 

As it turned out, Aunt Molly never needed caregivers or long term care. She died suddenly a little more than a year after our conversation. A few days after New Year's in 2004, she was sitting in her favorite chair, doing the New York Times crossword puzzle while waiting for her dear friend Magda to pick her up for a post-holiday lunch when her tired heart simply stopped. She was 86 and still independent. It was the best possible way for her to depart this life, dependent on no one, looking forward to an excellent lunch with a good friend.

Not everyone is as fortunate. But her careful planning that took into account what was possible for those who loved her left a legacy of love that will live forever in our hearts. 

Parents of Adult Children Forum

There are hundreds of stories you have shared as the parent of an adult child. Some of these are heartbreaking, some uplifting.

There are hundreds of comments you have left -- some angry, some regretful, some hopeful.

All of these inhabit the "Comments" sections of my two most read blog posts "When Adult Children Become Strangers" and "Parents and Adult Children: Finding the Balance."

However, I have been hearing from readers recently that it is hard to leave additional comments or to find the most recent comments on both blog posts.

So here is a fresh start, a clean slate.

Anyone who wants to comment about one of the Parents and Adult Children blog posts or simply to tell his or her own story or share observations about what works and what doesn't in building closeness or resolving conflicts with adult children can write in the Comments section attached to this post.

I truly appreciate all you've shared in the past -- whether you've agreed with me or not -- and look forward to reading many more of your enlightening stories and insights!