Sunday, July 23, 2017

Life Coincidences and Blessings


The news of her death wasn't necessarily a shock. She was, after all, only a few months away from her 95th birthday. But learning recently that my dear friend Elizabeth Canfield had died has put me in a reflective frame of mind.

I am filled with gratitude for having known her for nearly fifty years. She was a role model for courage in speaking out against injustices of all kinds and a champion for health issues and reproductive rights. She was the woman I hoped, in my youth, to become more like: outspoken and unafraid.

It wasn't until recent years that I realized that much of her strength and courage came from the challenges of her early years -- watching Nazi troops march into Vienna when she was sixteen years old and then, late that year, fleeing Austria with her family -- first to Holland and then to the U.S. -- though her grandparents and other extended family perished in Auschwitz.

I had never guessed that she was a Holocaust survivor  -- mostly because her parents had converted to Christianity before her birth and I knew her as an avid member of a socially activist Episcopalian church in Los Angeles when we first met.  She told me that she hadn't spoken of her past for many years because it was so painful and she didn't want to spread the pain to her children or her friends. But she finally began to share her wartime past while participating in Stephen Spielberg's Shoah project and began to speak about the Holocaust in schools during her later years. During the last two years of her life, she shared her Holocaust stories with me in a series of letters -- which I will always treasure. 

As I think about our friendship, I'm struck at the impact she had on my life -- not simply as an inspiration for strong, outspoken womanhood but in professional and personal matters as well -- like introducing me, 44 years ago, to a young doctor named Chuck Wibbelsman with whom I would write "The Teenage Body Book" (along with several other books) and enjoy a friendship of many decades.

And I'm struck with wonder, too, that Liz and I ever had a chance to become friends. There are so many variables: what if her family hadn't been able to escape from Austria in late 1938? What if, like many Jewish families who had fled to Holland, they had been unable to get visas for the U.S.? (Her family was fortunate that her father was a noted Austrian composer and conductor who was offered a position at a major U.S. university and was able to get his immediate family out of Nazi-occupied Europe just in time.) What if she hadn't married the person she did and ended up in Los Angeles? What if my boss at 'TEEN Magazine hadn't insisted on my doing a story about abortion in those days just before the Roe vs. Wade decision that led me to the medical clinic where Liz worked as a health educator and counselor? What if I hadn't seen the kindness and caring behind her initially unsettling frankness? What if...?

We all have a lot of "what if's" in our lives, revealing just how much of life is coincidence or random luck. All of this brings so much color, texture and so many blessings to our lives.

What are your most treasured life coincidences?

Maybe but for chance you would never have met a beloved spouse of many years. Maybe a lifelong friendship happened to you because of chance -- an accidental meeting, a chance pairing for a work or school assignment, a stranger who passed your way one day and became a treasured friend. We all have so many unexpected blessings -- as life so often surprises us. 

7 comments:

  1. I believe everyone is brought into our lives for a purpose. Everyone, the good, the bad and the ugly. It may be a fleeting moment -- a smile from a stranger when you need it most or a thoughtful gesture. That angel disappears and we never know who they were but we know they made a difference in that moment. Even the horrors offer us lessons. I got evicted from my apartment after 16 years because of my illegal cat. The duplex I fell in love with needed an immediate tenant (I would have to wait for two months per my lease) but I liked the landlord and neighborhood and ended up across the street. It took a few years and a move (two blocks away) for that landlord and I to move our relationship from friends to life partners but we did and one day when I downsize, I will move into the other place in Rick's duplex. That's the most treasured, but my best friend came to me accidentally and of course my cats, one and all. So much more.

    We often think of the what ifs in terms of "what if I HAD done that, moved there after school, taken that job." But the real "what ifs" to treasure are those you mention here. The "what if I HADN'T" --so lovely.

    I'm deeply sorry for your loss, Kathy. Elizabeth Canfield sounds like the perfect example of the what-ifs but also a wonderful friend and inspiration. I'm glad you have her letters. They are in a safe place. Inspiration, perhaps? A book perhaps? On the what-ifs?

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    1. Oh, my goodness, Jeanie! Loved your account of how you met Rick!! I never knew that before! A wonderful surprise for sure! A book? Well, who knows? My newest book "We Don't Talk Anymore" which will be out in October originated with a blog post "When Parents and Adult Children Become Strangers." So it's possible. Thanks so much for your kind words!

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  2. Sometimes I do think of the "what ifs". Those forks in the road and wondering if I took the right one. There are many things and some people in my life I would have rather done with out, but they have formed me into the person I am. Guess I am OK with the turns I took and the people I met.

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    1. You're so right, Patti, about how even negative relationships can cause us to learn and to grow into the unique people we are. It's so interesting to look back, isn't it, and see all the ways others have impacted our lives. Those chance encounters or relationships that have been positive and loving are special blessings!

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  3. Dear Kathy, thank you for sharing this inspiring story of your friend. When I was in my forties, I began to realize how mysterious life was. I felt that I walked and talked and breathed in Mystery. And I continue to feel that way. Just the other night I was lying in bed thinking of all the people who have touched my life in some way and those whose lives I have touched--it's more than our classmates and family, it's the people who check out us in grocery and retail stores, it's the librarians, the people with whom we volunteer. So many. I think our lives truly touch tens of thousands as the Oneness that unites and energizes us spreads--either the goodness and peace that we emanate or the mistrust and hatred.

    Your friend is a perfect example of this. Her work and in a sense her sense spread goodness. And when it was time to speak out, when silence had to be broken, she did. She has blessed my life through yours.

    As to things that have happened that led to the road less traveled--that's a convent story! Peace.

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    1. You're so right, Dee! Our lives are touched by so many others -- some who remain relative strangers and even some we know only through others. All are blessings, even though who have taught it hard lessons. And I always love hearing your convent stories!

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  4. The "What if..." stories are stories that make us think there is more to this than coincidence. I'm just reading this story and so enjoyed it and the stories your readers also tell. Fascinating.

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