Thursday, March 8, 2012

Musings of a Marriage Counselor

I'll never forget the first couple I saw on the first day of my internship as a marriage and family therapist in training.

I felt a wave of revulsion as I read their file: They both had a history of drug and alcohol abuse. The husband had raped his 12-year-old stepdaughter six months before and his wife's response had been to relinquish custody of the girl to her own mother so that she could continue to live with Mr. Wonderful.

Only she hadn't been thinking of him as especially wonderful recently. Curiously enough, this had nothing to do with him raping her daughter. Both husband and wife shrugged that off as understandable drunken behavior. This couple had been court-ordered into rehab and found themselves clean and sober for the first time in their eight year marriage. They weren't sure they even liked -- let alone loved -- each other sober.

And so they were sitting before me, their anger escalating as they cursed each other in English and Spanish. I watched for a moment or two, aghast. Finally, awkwardly utilizing one of the techniques I had learned in couples counseling classes but had never applied in real life, I interrupted them and, attempting to bring them back to a happier time in the relationship and to discover the glue that held the relationship together, I asked them how they met and first came to love each other.

They stopped fighting in mid-scream and stared at me, suddenly united in their total disdain for this counseling novice before them. The wife's lip curled slightly as she replied "We had the same crack dealer, okay?"

The couples that followed -- court-ordered couples during my internship, less volatile but nonetheless troubled couples in my private practice -- were somehow never quite so challenging as that first couple, but all were in obvious pain.

Marriage counseling can be intense and is quite different from individual psychotherapy. In individual work, there is a therapeutic bond between the therapist and client. The therapist may be quiet and concentrate on listening and reflecting or may be more interactive, utilizing techniques such as cognitive behavioral therapy. But there is an intense one-to-one relationship. The dynamic in couples counseling, however, is quite different: the emphasis is on the bond and relationship between the two partners, with the therapist observing, jumping in, making comments and recommendations, but being careful not to side with one or the other. Instead, the emphasis is on facilitating communication and resolution between the two partners.

And through the years, the couples I saw in therapy taught me a lot about how relationships work and how they don't. Most of them were married. Some were young engaged couples. And some were long-time gay or lesbian partners whose issues tended to be quite similar to the others. Thinking back on all the couples I've seen -- both couples who saved and improved their relationships -- and those who didn't -- I think about the relationship skills and qualities that successful couples so often share.

Successful couples learn to handle anger and conflict in a direct, but non-punitive way.  No marriage or love relationship is without conflict. It's how conflict is handled that can doom a relationship or facilitate its growth. Some people come into marriage with a distorted view -- perhaps a legacy of their own growing up years -- about what marital conflict entails.

For example, in statements to the press, deflecting media speculation that his young third wife Jessica was both verbally and physically abusive to him, the late Davy Jones remarked "Well, there is some verbal abuse, but isn't that the case in every marriage or relationship?"  No. Verbal abuse is not a part of  loving, lasting relationships.

Mature, loving couples handle their differences by discussing what is going on and how to resolve this -- minus angry accusations and judgments. That isn't to say there are no tight-jawed moments or raised voices. But there is rarely, if ever, any screaming or name-calling or, on the other hand, long sulky silences. Successful couples tend to face conflict head on, express their thoughts, resolve their issues and then go on.

My brother, who had a number of love relationships before finally marrying in midlife, marvels at the way he and his wife Amp are able to resolve problems. "We've never had what I would call a fight," he says. "We can get upset or irritated or frightened -- like when I accidentally left the gate open and we feared, for about ten minutes, that our daughter Maggie had escaped the yard and was running through the neighborhood (until we found her asleep in my home office). We stood there upset and I said that I would remember from then on to double check the lock on that gate. And Amp said quietly 'Yes, you will. We both will.' And then we hugged each other -- in relief and reconciliation. And that was it. That moment was more constructive and had much more power than a screaming fight would have had. We're true partners."


Successful couples are kind to each other. We're kind to our friends and even to strangers -- so why not to each other? It's amazing how unkind we can be to those we love most. I once saw a play that highlighted this phenomenon: a couple came to visit another couple at home and were treated, not as welcome guests, but as family members. The hosts spoke to them as they might their children or each other: "Don't do that! What were you thinking??? Clean your plate -- now! Don't put your feet up! Don't touch that!" And so on. And yet, kindness can mean so much over the years.

 I first saw one couple I'll call Briana and Josh when they were in college and dating. Although they professed to love each other, they treated each other with a combination of barbed humor, screaming accusations and vicious threats. It took some time to unravel the complicated web of their life experiences and personality traits that led to this inflammatory style of loving. In the interim, I urged them to strive to be kind to each other as each struggled with internal issues. It got to a point where they would anticipate my thoughts.

"Yes, I know what you're thinking," Josh said in a session one day as he struggled to rephrase a comment that had Briana in tears. And then both he and Briana, smiling through her tears, chorused "Be kind to each other!"

The lesson finally took. They learned to be kind even in disagreement and in adversity. And, many years later, they are the happily married parents of a young son.


Successful couples don't make idle threats.  A number of couples I've seen go straight to threats of divorce when angry or disappointed. The "D" word isn't something that successful partners use easily -- if ever -- during times of distance, anger or disappointment.

Even mentioning divorce as a possibility while in conflict conjures up a feeling of impermanence that can interfere with a couple's ability to work through some of the inevitable rough patches in their relationship.

There is the joke about someone asking his long-married grandmother if she and Grandpa had ever thought of divorcing during all their years and challenges together. And the grandmother replies "No, never. Murder, yes! Divorce, never!"

But there's something to that -- homicidal feelings aside. When divorce isn't on the table during your most difficult times together, you have more incentive to strive to make your relationship work for both of you.


Successful couples don't give up when the going gets tough.  Among the saddest moments I have seen, over and over, in therapy have been those couples wanting to call it quits at the first disappointment, the first major disagreement, the first instance of life happening around them. Some give up so easily -- thinking that they will find someone who isn't so hopelessly human and fallible.

Some years back, my long-married friend Mary McVea, observing that many couples in their Chicago-area social circle were divorcing, said that "When I ask one of them what the critical point was, what make them decide to divorce, I'm always struck by how minor it sounds. I want to say 'You're giving up on each other over that??"

Of course, with many emotionally estranged couples, what they say is the problem may simply be the last straw -- the last of a series of betrayals.

But too many seem poised to bail out of the relationship at the first hint of trouble. And, as a therapist, I always found that sad and a challenge to encourage them to rediscover and fight for their loving commitment to each other. Sometimes it worked. And just as often, it didn't.

Successful couples don't panic during a less intimate cycle in their relationship. There are many marriages within a marriage. There are recurrent cycles of intimacy and distance, of drifting apart and then rediscovering your love for each other. Some couples have more dramatic cycles of distance and intimacy than others. Some have down cycles that coincide with the stresses of major life changes -- the birth of children or the departure of children from the family nest or work challenges or retirement. Some couples panic at this juncture, wondering if the love and closeness they once felt is gone forever.  Some of these couples seek marriage counseling -- and may be able to rediscover their loving feelings. Others, knowing that every relationship weathers its share of storms, feelings of distance and joys of reconciliation, hold tight to each other and the relationship. Sadly, others panic and bail -- convinced that love is gone forever.

Successful couples want the very best for each other, making the partner a top priority in their lives. Couples have taught me over the years that love must be nurtured and treasured. People who start out with heartfelt good will, shared hopes and dreams can grow irrevocably apart if they don't give their partners and the relationship high priority in their lives -- and warm encouragement to pursue their dreams. That can be a challenge during the busy parenting and working years or times of career changes or going back to school. But it can be done.

When I returned to graduate school in my mid-forties to earn degrees in clinical psychology, I was one of relatively few married students as well as the oldest.  One professor, welcoming us to the program, told us to "kiss your partner goodbye for the next few years and maybe forever. People tend to get divorced quite often in this program because of the intense academic and time demands -- on top of many of you working full-time."

But the Dean came to the podium a few minutes later to suggest "Instead of kissing your significant other goodbye, embrace him or her and ask for support and pledge your support and your love through the challenging times ahead."

I took his directive to heart. And Bob was incredibly supportive as I embarked on an eight year odyssey of graduate school, a 3,000 hour unpaid evening/weekend clinical internship while working full-time and finally, six months of written and oral licensing exams before emerging --at last -- as a psychotherapist.

While I always preferred doing individual therapy from day one, I did a lot of couples counseling because I was the oldest and only married intern at my first internship site and thus in demand by troubled couples. And by the time I was licensed, I had so much experience with couples/marriage counseling that it continued to be a major part of my private practice.

But it was emotionally demanding. And Bob was there for me the whole time. Of course, ethically, I couldn't discuss my caseload specifically with him. But during my internship, after nine hours of working with warring, tearful, distraught and sometimes abusive partners, I would come home, look at Bob with love and appreciation, and embrace him quietly.  And I would say "You're so wonderful."
And he would smile and reply "Oh, my. It was that kind of day, was it?"

When I was in private practice and could handle the rigors of couples work with greater ease, Bob could still tell by looking at me when I walked in the door at night.

"You've been seeing couples tonight, haven't you?" he'd ask, knowing the answer already.

And I would tell him I loved him as I slid into his warm embrace.

30 comments:

  1. Kindness is such a simple, powerful key. I was recently talking with a friend who has hit some rocky times with her husband, and she even realized and admitted that she treated the people she worked with much kinder than she treated her husband.

    And, that first couple you saw was one for the ages! If you got through them, you can get through anything!

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    1. Kindness IS so important in all our relationships, but especially in marriage. You're right: that first couple was really for the ages and got me off to a good start because, even though I've had some very challenging couples through the years, they took the prize!

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  2. Oh, the wisdom in a single blog post, Kathy! You are so right about the centrality of kindness within personal relationships. I may sound wishy-washy, but it's so important and not always easy.

    If your last post should be given to all new grandparents, this should be given to all new couples. It's probably the best advice they could get.

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    1. Oh, Perpetua, thanks so much! I really appreciate your comments! I don't think kindness is ever wishy-washy because sometimes, as you say, it's really hard!

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  3. It is sad how we forgive our friends most anything but won't tollerate lesser slights from a spouse. Guess it would be best to marry a fellow you are good friends with first.
    I don't know how you handled hearing all the worst of people's lives on a daily basis but then you had Bob to come home to.
    Wonderful post. Wish you had been around when my marriage hit the rocks.

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    1. Isn't that true about forgiveness? I think your comment about marrying a good friend is really spot on! I've seen it work so well and it certainly is a major factor in my marriage. Hearing the worst of people's lives on a daily basis was difficult at times, though we were trained not to take it all in or take it home with us -- otherwise, it would be hard to help a person or a couple -- but it could be exhausting and it certainly gave me an appreciation for the blessings in my own life. Oh, I wish I could have helped when your marriage hit the rocks -- though sometimes the best that marriage counseling can do is to help make the ending more amicable.

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  4. Another thought-provoking and powerful post, Kathy. I sometimes think that if couples would put as much thought and care into their marriages as they do in planning their weddings they might be more successful!

    It's a real privilege to read your posts.

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    1. That's a terrific point, Katherine! It just makes me crazy when I see people obsessing about the most minute wedding details -- with nary a thought about how to build a loving, lasting marriage.

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  5. I have a niece (trained psychologist) who does marriage counselling - but she is only married 3 years herself and is only 33. How can that work? I should think you could only venture into this field if you have had a long-time successful marriage yourself. Wonderful post as always.

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    1. It really depends on the counselor. Early in our marriage, Bob and I had some difficulties that prompted us to seek marriage counseling. As money was an issue then, we went to a family services clinic where our assigned therapist was an intern who was in his mid-twenties and married just a few years as well. Despite our initial misgivings, he turned out to be wise beyond his years and a great help to us. Interestingly enough, about a year later, my mother decided to seek counseling help for her caregiver stress, went to that same family services and also was assigned that same counselor with whom she worked wonderfully --even thought she was in her sixties and caring for a demented husband -- and Jim, the therapist, was a young man whose wife had just had a baby. When my mother was found dead later that year -- four months after my father's death and as the result of a heart attack -- she was sitting in her favorite chair and had just wrapped a gift for Jim's new baby. We gave it to him at her funeral. We asked him to speak at her funeral -- so California of us in hindsight -- and he gave a very insightful, moving tribute to her. So you never know.

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  6. That last line summarizes it all. If couples can slide into each other's harms and comfort each other when things are tough, then, they can handle whatever the world hands out.

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  7. Expect to get some new followers. Our children will receive your blog address today. I cannot imagine how my life would have been different if I'd had you to talk to many years ago. Fortunately for me and my sanity, I have a husband who is kind beyond compare. He is a treasure who listens to me and loves me unconditionally. Thank you causing me to pause and reflect on that blessing today.

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    1. Thanks so much, Janet -- both for your comments and for telling your children about my blog! I'm so glad you've found happiness at this time in your life! A good marriage is a true blessing!

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  8. I ave had the hell and now I'm having the heaven.

    Better late than never. But it takes a lot of learning.

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    1. You're right, Friko: we do learn as we go along! I'm so glad that you've found heaven at last!

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    1. Thanks so much, Barbara! I can hardly wait to read your take on Rush Limbaugh! Thanks for your visit!

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  10. This was a wonderful post. I think you said all that needs to be said on what makes a marriage work.

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    1. Thanks, Sally! Since you're an expert on these things, too, your kind words mean a lot!

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  11. Thanks for such great advice. All of the things you mention I intuitively know are what matters in a relationship, but they are easier said than done. Overcoming poor examples from families of origin and years of bad relationship patterns is hard work!

    With so many examples of bad relationships in the world, I think it's important that examples of healthy, mutually supportive relationships be held up and celebrated. I see your marriage as one of those examples. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and experiences.

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    1. You're so right, Keicha, about negative examples and experience sometimes haunting current relationships and making it hard to do what you intuitively know is right. It's very hard work! I think too many people think that if the "chemistry" is right or if two people really love each other, the relationship should be smooth sailing and it's not that way at all.

      Thanks for your seeing my marriage as an example of a healthy, mutually supportive relationship. It is all that -- but it took a lot of hard work, tears, battling ghosts of past relationships and from parental experiences to reach that point. We'll have our 35th wedding anniversary this May and have never been happier. But those first few years were very rough. We joke that our hanging in there was due to the fact that neither of us gave up on the relationship at the same time! But, of course, the real reason was that we have loved each other from the start, really wanted our marriage to work and were willing to do the hard work -- and sometimes it was very hard -- to make that happen. Thank you so much for your kind comments, Keicha!

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  12. I think that two of the most important things we ever do are choosing a life partner and raising children, and there is no mandatory training for either one!!

    My mother and I often have conversations that - somewhere in the middle, include the phrase "if I was running the world..." - followed by the changes we wish we could see in society. Along those lines, "if I was running the world" I would make marriage and parenting classes compulsory, and your writing the required reading :)

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    1. Thank you so much, Jenny! That's a great compliment. I do think you're so right about the marriage and parenting classes. There is so much to learn during those critical years of our lives and I do think that more information, knowing more what to expect and learning communication and parenting skills would go a long way toward preventing some of the ills we see in society today.

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  13. This was a very interesting read, Kathy. It brings back many a memory of my dad & his family, so sad & loveless they all were. Tragic losses of living & life for each of them. Selfish people.

    Hope you are doing well.

    Have a lovely weekend ~
    TTFN ~
    Marydon

    ~ GIVEAWAY ends 3/15 ~

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    1. Thanks, Marydon. It's so true that there is so much sadness and lovelessness in relationships -- sometimes so preventable if only the people knew other ways to act, react and be.

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  14. Wonderful post, Kathy. I have never had any formal training in marriage counseling ---but I know what worked for me this time and what didn't work the first time...

    My first hubby and I were YOUNG when we got married. Even though we both worked fulltime (I was a teacher then)--we NEVER seemed to have much money, and just kept going deeper into debt --never to get ahead. My hubby always thought the 'grass was greener'--so we moved alot, getting farther into debt. We had 3 sons which we both loved--but the money situation was a huge problem.

    I had been sexually abused by my brother as a child and had never had any therapy to deal with that. SO---our sexual relationship in that marriage was not good. We never dealt with that situation either. He wandered outside the marriage --and that was finally the end of us...

    We never communicated with one another.. We just let the marriage die.. We truly didn't work at it. I was single after that for almost 20 yrs. Then I met George....

    OH MY---what a huge difference these two men are. George and I have the kind of relationship you describe. Yes--we do work at it constantly... It's a love and respect I had never experienced. I thank God every day for George and what he has brought to my life....

    Oh Yes---AFTER my divorce, I did get counseling for my childhood sexual abuse. I carry that baggage NO MORE..

    Thanks for a wonderful blog post.
    Hugs,
    Betsy

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  15. Based on your experience, Betsy, you could probably advise couples quite expertly! I'm so glad you were able to get counseling to deal with your childhood abuse and that, after a long wait, you found just the right partner in George! No marriage is work-free, but it does sound like you are so wonderfully matched! I love hearing about your continual and mutual search for waterfalls and discovering all kinds of beautiful places together.

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  16. Pretty good post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I have really enjoyed reading your blog posts. Any way I’ll be subscribing to your feed and I hope you post again soon.

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  17. Well, now I know why The Man and I have successfully navigated the minefield of Life Issues that have come against us in our long Marriage and yet stayed Together through it all and in spite of it all... we've checked off all those boxes in what makes couples Successful. I'm adding that Love is more than a Feeling, it is a Choice, an on purpose occurrance... Shared Vision helps avoid division too... and the Knowing that I am a Blessed and fortunate Women for having married a Wonderful Man who is my Best Friend and Life Partner... through all the Craziness that Life has handed us. One day I expect the Church to make a Statuary of this Man, he's certainly earned his Sainthood in my book... lesser Men would have ran for their lives! *LOL* Dawn... The Bohemian

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