tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post7159873870545787164..comments2024-03-15T22:00:36.095-07:00Comments on Dr. Kathy McCoy: Living Fully in Midlife and Beyond: Complicated Friendships Dr. Kathy McCoyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02903015507894951725noreply@blogger.comBlogger29125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-66874645878692842642012-11-22T13:09:19.933-07:002012-11-22T13:09:19.933-07:00BTW: I Love Calamity Janet's Observation. One...BTW: I Love Calamity Janet's Observation. One of my Closest Friends is very blunt and doesn't often have a filter about what she says... however, she is the 'Realist' Person I have ever met and I LOVE her for that Distinction! I know that with K. I will always hear what I need to hear... and not just what I want to hear... and often that gives me pause for introverted reflection about things most people aren't saying to me, but she feels enough Love to. I don't Believe my Friend has ever intended to Hurt... just Keepin' it Real!<br /><br />Dawn... The Bohemian Bohemianhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03743017084098726581noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-30252417993479615982012-11-22T13:03:57.565-07:002012-11-22T13:03:57.565-07:00This Post really resonated with me. Relationships...This Post really resonated with me. Relationships can and often are very complex and have flows and ebbs over Time. There are some that pick up where they left off effortlessly even after long absences. But one thing that my Dear Old Dad used to say really rings true to me at this Season Of Life... NOTHING sorts people out like Trouble. If Life unfolds with some Issues that become Chronic and you don't have much, if any, control over, like ill Health or difficult circumstances beyond your Control... it can become a very isolating Journey because Life Issues make most people uncomfortable, even those that were once close, and Involvement is Optional. Until it's you there is often very little point of reference or the desire to burden oneself with someone else's problems. I Thank God for the Land of Blog that my young Grandson Introduced me to and set up my Blog for... to connect with a Wonderful Community of Kindred Spirits and cultivate Friendships around the World... during a dark period when our Family was faced with many Challenges and even the Dearest of Friends were often conspicuous by their absence. This Post is Encouraging in the Truth that this too is Normal and just a part of Life, your Transparency to Share makes many probably not feel so much like the Lone Ranger when Friendships alter and we're often left wondering 'Why... or How did this happen?"... so there's really no need to Personalize it... just move forward and have appreciation for what is left... rather than what has been lost.<br /><br />Blessings from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian Bohemianhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03743017084098726581noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-86851622295436313012012-11-18T20:31:17.819-07:002012-11-18T20:31:17.819-07:00What a complex and thoughtful post. I have a hard ...What a complex and thoughtful post. I have a hard time trying to reconcile friendship with hurt. I know some folks just don't see or hear themselves, but it always distresses me when that happens. What I see through your words is a life that makes you divinely happy and content. And you know, that's really what we all want. And it's what we want for our friends. And I'm so glad you have it.Jeaniehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17482528482559445943noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-40038404896170511552012-11-14T08:45:24.479-07:002012-11-14T08:45:24.479-07:00Interesting and insightful perspective, Lady! Than...Interesting and insightful perspective, Lady! Thanks so much!Dr. Kathy McCoyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02903015507894951725noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-52215894291688054732012-11-14T06:56:49.608-07:002012-11-14T06:56:49.608-07:00In life you meet people at the right time for the ...In life you meet people at the right time for the right reasons and as the reasons change so do the people and life goes on. You come into a persons' life for a reason and they into yours.You stay in a persons life for a reason and they in yours.<br />Where else but from a true friend, who knows you, can the truth be heard?<br />I like to speak the truth and have the truth be spoken to me regardless of how hurtful it may be because it helps me to think about things and situations and I would assume my input would help another person do the same.<br />If I didn't care, I'd say nothing and just be polite and impersonal.<br /><br />Your friends seem to have confidence in your abilities to succeed, to be better. And why not enjoy what you are doing and still work at being better.Having challenges in life is always a good thing. Keeps you going.<br /><br />You are alive, living where you want to live, doing what you want to do and also hurt cause people disagree with your decisions.<br />Well so be it. They disagree, as I am sure you also disagree with their lifestyle. Nothing worse than seeing an 80 year old woman look and behave like a 23 year old.<br />lol but then nothing is worse than seeing a 23 year old behaving and looking like an 80 year old either lol and we see lots of that too. What is good about living in todays' world, is that you can make choices for yourself, to be yourself and if you are happy then I am sure your friends are happy too. It's just that they want more for you and thats ok too.<br />lol<br />have a good one.A Lady's Lifehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11973102350411443282noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-52953973066588257522012-11-13T11:12:35.906-07:002012-11-13T11:12:35.906-07:00Oh, Betsy, I hope you and your other friends from ...Oh, Betsy, I hope you and your other friends from long ago can get together soon to celebrate your friendship and Susan's memory. Life is far too short -- both for not seeing dear friends and for holding onto toxic friendships.Dr. Kathy McCoyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02903015507894951725noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-3386336331836155992012-11-13T09:59:10.026-07:002012-11-13T09:59:10.026-07:00Friendship is an interesting thing, isn't it?...Friendship is an interesting thing, isn't it? I had 3 special childhood friends (one is now gone) which truly have been the BEST friends in my life. The four of us were separated for about 30 yrs--each raising families and doing our own things. When we all turned 50 in 1992, we started getting together once a year for several days to catch up. Even though we had been apart of a long time, when we finally did get together, the special friendships were all still there. It was awesome... Three of us are still alive but when we lost Susan a couple of years ago, we haven't been able to get together since... I hope we can sometime. I enjoyed those annual times together...<br /><br />I also had (past tense) another special friend whom I didn't meet until about 2003... She and I became good email buddies --and started a different kind of friendship. I thought I could say anything to her (and her to me) --and that it would be just between us 'best' friends... However, I was devastated to find out that she was sharing 'my' thoughts with others --and wasn't really my good friend afterall. That hurt me --but needless to say, we are no longer friends. <br /><br />YES---friendship is an interesting thing!!!! Life provides us plenty of opportunities for good friendships and not-so-good ones.<br /><br />Hugs,<br />BetsyBetsy Banks Adamshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16223591156634767330noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-25109161272737117332012-11-12T18:30:49.776-07:002012-11-12T18:30:49.776-07:00Wow, Janet! Thanks so much for your insights. I th...Wow, Janet! Thanks so much for your insights. I think you've hit on something very true and important. You're not losing it at all, my friend! Thanks so much!Dr. Kathy McCoyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02903015507894951725noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-28744821086643819852012-11-12T16:42:13.167-07:002012-11-12T16:42:13.167-07:00When my mother's only sister died, my mother s...When my mother's only sister died, my mother said to me, her only child..."Now, who is going to tell me the truth? Bobbie always told me when she thought I wasn't doing my best, being the best I could be...Now, Janet, you have to tell me. Don't be solicitous...tell me if I'm not taking care of myself, my clothes, the house, like I once did." I think Ruth is like your sister and feels safe with you. She knows that she can say anything and you will love her because your relationship is far more important than words. I think she would be crushed if she thought she had hurt you. I always thought my Aunt Bobbie was cruel...then I learned that my mother felt that she was her best friend. Life is strange! I hope you'll tell me if you think I'm losing it, Kathy. Love our talks!Bird Freshwaterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00613374752845443297noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-8189757571137396032012-11-11T11:35:25.468-07:002012-11-11T11:35:25.468-07:00Isn't it alarming when someone with whom you o...Isn't it alarming when someone with whom you once had much in common morphs into a person you don't know -- and don't necessarily want to know?<br /><br />I have another long-time (formerly) close friend who, after a lifetime of Democratic voting, became aggressively GOP lately, spewing the code words that told me this change of political heart was entirely race-based and that both horrified and saddened me. Also, the financial gap between us has widened over the years and this friend has no concept of what life is like for a lot of retirees. He continues to work at a very high paying job and collect Social Security benefits as well -- and alludes to his Social Security as "fun money" and thinks it wouldn't be so bad if cuts were made to Social Security because it's not essential (to him) after all.Dr. Kathy McCoyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02903015507894951725noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-12110110203663795722012-11-11T11:28:12.541-07:002012-11-11T11:28:12.541-07:00It would be so fun and interesting to sit down and...It would be so fun and interesting to sit down and chat, Sally! <br /><br />You bring up an interesting point: I think we do gain insight into our own choices by talking with friends whose lives have gone in other directions. I don't reject Ruth's choices except by living differently. The only direction of her life with which I might disagree, were I in the same position, would be dating -- and dating younger men. Otherwise, it's hard to argue with the value of hard work and the tender, but firm parenting that produced a truly lovely daughter. At the same time, my arguments with her do force me to take a look at my own choices and realize that these were and are the right choices for me.<br /><br />It's all so complicated, isn't it? And a struggle with a friend is sometimes worth the effort -- and sometimes not. Dr. Kathy McCoyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02903015507894951725noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-63047593469194044592012-11-11T11:06:30.109-07:002012-11-11T11:06:30.109-07:00I have a college roommate, an old friend, who has ...I have a college roommate, an old friend, who has troubled me for the last few years. It started with political views and now encompasses financial matters. I hope for the best when we see each other, but I have seriously considered just ending the relationship. Such a loss, I think. But maybe not. I understand your dilemma.Linda Myershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05706455533282204519noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-78870994643242419432012-11-10T21:06:26.734-07:002012-11-10T21:06:26.734-07:00Kathy, if we were chatting right now, I would prob...Kathy, if we were chatting right now, I would probably have much to discuss with you about this friendship. It is somewhat comforting to me to know that you have a friend like this in your life because I have a few of those kinds of friends also. Or, I have at least one friend that drives me so crazy that I wonder why I continue to think of her as a friend. I have finally stopped checking in with her at all. I am over her inability to understand that she offends when she needs to be in control of all situations and conversations. <br /><br />You two are such polar opposites it does seem strange that you are friends, but I also think you both must gain great insight into your own choices about life by remaining friends. You reject her approach to life. She rejects yours. Yet, you seem to deeply understand each other. Friendships surely are complex and complicated at times. Sally Wesselyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06470453773515491625noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-70901222081681069752012-11-10T17:29:56.540-07:002012-11-10T17:29:56.540-07:00This post struck a chord in me as well. There is a...This post struck a chord in me as well. There is a fine line with some friends where the effort/benefit edges into "not good for me" territory. As I get older, I try to realize that when I'm getting "that" feeling, it's time to let the relationship drift away. If you are really feeling torn, perhaps you could explain to Ruth in a friendly way that despite discussing her behavior and despite hearing her explanation, you will not accept it in the future, and follow through? That would give her another chance, but draw a line in the sand as to what you will take from her. And if you do need to stop calling her, let her know that if she ever changes she is welcome to try again with you?<br /><br />This quote came to mind: “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” (Aristotle) The way I look at situations like this is that peoples' bad habits - whether they like it or not - make them people who are unpleasant to be with, by virtue of them repeatedly doing it. People can change at any age - if they feel it is worth it. If a friend "cannot" change, it is more likely that they don't want to badly enough. And doesn't that send a message all on its own?<br /><br />My two cents :) Good luck with a tricky - and wrenching - situation.<br /><br /><br /><br />jenny_ohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15475480579733466963noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-46294825239936151692012-11-10T15:03:27.498-07:002012-11-10T15:03:27.498-07:00Dear Kathy, recently a friend said to me that most...Dear Kathy, recently a friend said to me that most of the friends I have are acquaintances because they have not come to visit me here in Missouri nor have we spoken on the phone. Their lives have gone on since I've been here for 3 1/2 years. And so I'm exploring what the word "friend" means. I do know that all those people I've always called "friend" do give me support and encouragement. And that's a great gift.<br /><br />There is one person here in Missouri whom I thought was a friend in Eliot's terms ("Friendship is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words.") but whom I've discovered wants just to change me into her clone. And so I simply see little of her because being with her more than a little feels masochistic to me. <br /><br />And talking on the phone with someone who clearly wants me to change doesn't feel like friendship to me. So we talk little. And I like that a lot!!!! Peace.<br />Deehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00612299013780771262noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-36563222853209073122012-11-10T09:57:04.105-07:002012-11-10T09:57:04.105-07:00Thanks Friko and Nana for some thought-provoking c...Thanks Friko and Nana for some thought-provoking comments! I will keep your suggestions very much in mind.<br /><br />Tracy, thanks for your comment. I'm glad the post is food for thought!Dr. Kathy McCoyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02903015507894951725noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-7421248985190606662012-11-10T05:29:53.040-07:002012-11-10T05:29:53.040-07:00Dear Dr. Kathy,
if Ruth hurts your heart even bef...Dear Dr. Kathy,<br /><br />if Ruth hurts your heart even before she has spoken isn’t it time you ditched her altogether? It’s simply not good enough to excuse one’s bad behaviour and unkindness by saying ‘that’s how I am’.<br /><br />She wants you to change but can’t see that she needs to change herself. She really isn’t worth the heartache, which I am sure you feel, because you spend so much time in this post explaining that your life makes you happy. Almost as if you were apologising or needed to convince yourself. This woman is no friend, she saps your confidence.Frikohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04277167831642088694noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-14733013824870908722012-11-10T05:11:23.611-07:002012-11-10T05:11:23.611-07:00"With all the blessings, why the harsh judgme..."With all the blessings, why the harsh judgments?" So well said!! thanks for the reminder. Tracy's Living Cookbookhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15003213434059588574noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-53461190265232120272012-11-10T00:43:18.698-07:002012-11-10T00:43:18.698-07:00I wouldn't call next year, and I' d cross ...I wouldn't call next year, and I' d cross her off my Christmas card list...if I sent Xmas cards. That said, I 'd probably call her out on her behavior. "Why would you say that to me?" Some people really don't realize how toxic they are. I have an acquaintance who posts pity me comments on Facebook and then wonders why no one offers to help her. She responds to others postings with comments like "how nice for you that you have people in your life who care about you." It's not what she says, but the subtext that is annoying. <br /><br />Yep, friendship is complicated and I appreciate my friends from both my real life and cyberspace. Thanks for giving me food for thought.#1Nanahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04214011945298439939noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-82579646978634906812012-11-09T19:50:52.911-07:002012-11-09T19:50:52.911-07:00You are a great friend because you still are compa...You are a great friend because you still are compassionate toward Ruth even though she hurts your feelings every times. I think that she needs prayers for healing her childhood wounds. <br /><br />Have a great weekend Dr McCoy.<br />JBJuliahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03423754263165266554noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-48635484560049132532012-11-09T19:37:27.275-07:002012-11-09T19:37:27.275-07:00Excellent rules for a satisfying life! Thanks for ...Excellent rules for a satisfying life! Thanks for the reminder. <br /><br />What's curious about Ruth is that I DO praise her up and down and keep the conversation focused on her and her wonderful daughter as much as possible. And then she still goes on a tear. I think it has a great deal to do with her traumatic childhood and the defensive behavior that got her through some tough times and that is part of her arsenal still even though one would think she doesn't need it anymore. Underneath it all, there is a small wounded child....which is why I continue the friendship in a limited way.Dr. Kathy McCoyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02903015507894951725noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-16608228623890039752012-11-09T17:53:08.549-07:002012-11-09T17:53:08.549-07:00Hi Dr McCoy,
Humans sure are a complexed bunch.......Hi Dr McCoy,<br />Humans sure are a complexed bunch....<br /><br /> Childhood experiences are entrenched in the behaviours of most people and is hidden somewhere deep in the subconscious and surfaces when the needs arises. <br /><br /> People who feel good about themselves don't usually feel the need to inflate their ego by putting other people down. <br /><br />Those who feel some degree of dissatisfaction and insecurity with their own lives compare themselves to others and they even imagine themselves superior to someone else.<br /><br />The humble person is not interested to be superior or better and will not criticize because they are not self absorbed and are more caring of the other people that to themselves.<br /><br />One little book that I read several years ago that helped me a lot was called THE FOUR AGREEMENTS by Don Miguel Angel Ruiz.<br />It's a practical guide to personal freedom. It also has a companion book by the same name.<br /><br />1. Be impeccable with your word<br />2. Don't take anything personally,<br />3. Don't make assumptions<br />4. Always do your best<br />They are good rules to live by.<br />There is another book called The Fifth Agreement but I haven't read it yet.<br /><br />I always like reading your blog as I find it fascinating.<br /><br />I'm not formally educated on the subject so you can take this comment with a grain of salt. Your friend Ruth drains out your energy because she needs that energy to boost her ego. The best way to disarm her next time is to praise her up and down before she has the chance to tear you down because it's what she needs in my opinion. You may even be surprised.<br /><br />JB<br /><br /><br /><br /> Juliahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03423754263165266554noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-82376366155369741012012-11-09T17:47:24.229-07:002012-11-09T17:47:24.229-07:00Characters in a play? That's such an interesti...Characters in a play? That's such an interesting thought, Rosaria! It's so true with families and also with friends.<br /><br />Now...where do we start with Part Two?Dr. Kathy McCoyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02903015507894951725noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-16044597232592856392012-11-09T17:45:44.581-07:002012-11-09T17:45:44.581-07:00You're right on all counts, Perpetua! Thanks s...You're right on all counts, Perpetua! Thanks so much for the insightful comments. I think they're all very true.Dr. Kathy McCoyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02903015507894951725noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-41689027039643156042012-11-09T17:11:41.557-07:002012-11-09T17:11:41.557-07:00Kathy, this post hits many important things we har...Kathy, this post hits many important things we hardly ever talk or understand at all. <br /><br />Most of us don't ever understand why certain people make us feel empty and hurt after we leave their sight; most of us hang on and on with friends who are not friends but characters in a play, playing old myths in our lives, the mother figure, the big sister, the patronizing bitch...<br /><br />Your honest analysis is a breath of fresh air. <br />And this conversation needs part two!<br /><br />Rosaria Williamshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03133147851332084180noreply@blogger.com