tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post7847569609824677917..comments2024-03-15T22:00:36.095-07:00Comments on Dr. Kathy McCoy: Living Fully in Midlife and Beyond: Seven Things New Parents Want Us to KnowDr. Kathy McCoyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02903015507894951725noreply@blogger.comBlogger30125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-30881688982787932392012-11-22T16:56:20.893-07:002012-11-22T16:56:20.893-07:00Oh... and one more important thing that Custodial ...Oh... and one more important thing that Custodial G-Parents might want you to know:<br /><br />Don't assume that because we're raising one or more of our Children's Children that they were a 'bad' or 'unloving' Parent... Giving a Child up to be raised by someone else in an environment most suitable for their well being and best care and interest of the child(ren) is the most Loving and Selfless act a Parent that can't Parent them can do. Not all Children being raised by someone other than their Parent was unwanted or unloved by the Parent(s).Bohemianhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03743017084098726581noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-43738080681173195192012-11-22T16:52:26.503-07:002012-11-22T16:52:26.503-07:00As a Custodial Grandparent who has had the two G-K...As a Custodial Grandparent who has had the two G-Kids we're raising since Birth... may I add to your List:<br /><br />Don't assume that being a Custodial G-Parent or Guardian is exactly the same as being the Parent(s). So most of these rules don't apply in exactly the same way {in our case anyway}. We raised our Children and didn't expect or plan on raising another Generation. So... if you want the kids over for however long, we'll help you pack, we appreciate the luxury of a Respite. But outsiders looking in... don't condemn us for this, until it's you, well, you have no Idea or point of reference, most G-Parents we know are exhausted & stressed if they've had their G-Kids over for an Hour, or perhaps a Weekend and can't wait to usher them back Home to Mom & Dad! They have them over when it's convenient for them... it's not a 24-7 thing. Remember we're NOT the Parent and so our sentiments do differ... we have a finite amount of patience and stamina at this Season of life, which is probably why most people our age don't breed any longer... *LOL* Spoil them all you want, we probably can't on our fixed & disability income & raising kids with no help is expensive... so we welcome those who can overindulge them and be the surrogate G-Parents we're supposed to have been to them, but can't because we've been put in Parental Roles.<br />Drop in anytime and often... we need the backup and the distraction of someone else for them to latch onto incessantly for attention so we can catch a short break. We adore them, and if you do too, you're our Angels with flesh on! Dawn... The BohemianBohemianhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03743017084098726581noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-15161138663816859502012-03-10T12:00:36.479-07:002012-03-10T12:00:36.479-07:00I love that story, Keicha! It reminds me of one Au...I love that story, Keicha! It reminds me of one Aunt Molly used to tell when she lived in Ohio and would visit us in Los Angeles for a month each summer -- something we looked forward to all year. She would go on about why was it, her second day there, my brother or I would come up to her and ask "When are you leaving?" We didn't ask that wanting her to leave.<br />We were really asking -- in a very clumsy way -- "How much time do we have to have fun together and to enjoy your company?" So maybe, just maybe, there's a chance that your nephew had similar thoughts. On the other hand, the other way is funny, yet a bit painful. I hope you've had a chance to know each other better since! Thanks so much for your visit and comments!Dr. Kathy McCoyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02903015507894951725noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-51384516343242359202012-03-10T11:56:17.557-07:002012-03-10T11:56:17.557-07:00Thanks so much, Dee! I'll have to give some se...Thanks so much, Dee! I'll have to give some serious thought to that book! Most of my existing books are either for or about teenagers. I do have several adult books on teenage depression and "Solo Parenting" but not something about the pros and cons of living close to family members. I'm assuming you mean parents and siblings? I do have a future post I've been working on that's about when your concept of family differs from that of other family members, but it's still a ways off -- have to give it more thought. Thanks so much for your warm encouragement, Dee!Dr. Kathy McCoyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02903015507894951725noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-78329148960027262952012-03-10T11:52:20.117-07:002012-03-10T11:52:20.117-07:00You're so right, Linda! Thanks so much for vis...You're so right, Linda! Thanks so much for visiting and commenting!Dr. Kathy McCoyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02903015507894951725noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-35589784051026415062012-03-10T11:51:57.121-07:002012-03-10T11:51:57.121-07:00That's so great, Linda! Good for you -- and ho...That's so great, Linda! Good for you -- and how terrific that you had such excellent role models. When limits are stated clearly, it saves a lot of grief.Dr. Kathy McCoyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02903015507894951725noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-2356456238760680272012-03-10T11:50:19.482-07:002012-03-10T11:50:19.482-07:00Thanks so much, Rosaria! I was thinking of aunties...Thanks so much, Rosaria! I was thinking of aunties and friends, too, who can mean so well and yet cause problems -- like the friend at the top of the post. She loves little Maggie with all her heart, but regularly creates havoc with her good intentions.Dr. Kathy McCoyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02903015507894951725noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-19972194061863320802012-03-10T11:48:11.927-07:002012-03-10T11:48:11.927-07:00Oh, me, too! I used to hate being told to kiss som...Oh, me, too! I used to hate being told to kiss someone I hardly knew! I think most of us have. My sister-in-law Amp gets very upset when someone gets in Maggie's face and won't leave her alone. That just isn't done, apparently, in Thailand.Dr. Kathy McCoyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02903015507894951725noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-32968689325635474232012-03-10T11:45:46.064-07:002012-03-10T11:45:46.064-07:00What a wonderful, touching story, Jeanie! That'...What a wonderful, touching story, Jeanie! That's just fantastic that Kevin and Greg feel close to you and that Greg even surprised you with flowers on Mother's Day! Obviously, you were doing everything right! And I'm so glad that the love and closeness with them has continued to this day.Dr. Kathy McCoyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02903015507894951725noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-56700945826727232502012-03-10T11:43:33.984-07:002012-03-10T11:43:33.984-07:00That's so funny! Though I'm sure you offe...That's so funny! Though I'm sure you offer them much, much more than presents!Dr. Kathy McCoyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02903015507894951725noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-70724048788312731102012-03-10T09:47:40.311-07:002012-03-10T09:47:40.311-07:00Another great post! Your advice about taking time...Another great post! Your advice about taking time and letting children warm up to you is spot on. My youngest nephew has lived far away from me most of his life. I'll never forget the summer he was 4 and his mom was studying overseas for 6 weeks. The family took turns caring for him in Boston so his dad could work. The week that I spent there with my sister, who he knew much better than me, and also adored was fun, but challenging. At one point my sister was driving the car and I was sitting in the back with him when he turned to me and very sincerely asked "When are you going home?" Despite my best intentions we didn't bond well that trip and I think he was ready to get rid of me!O-town Ramblingshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12462693501650732288noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-86940836520569819332012-03-09T07:37:03.875-07:002012-03-09T07:37:03.875-07:00Dear Kathy,
This column and many others you've...Dear Kathy,<br />This column and many others you've written need to go into a book. I know you've had several published and now I plan on looking for your name at the library and seeing if you have anything about the pros and cons of living close to family members. <br /><br />Your postings truly help others. You are a fine aunt as well as a discerning counselor.<br /><br />Peace.Deehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00612299013780771262noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-7992460529092089292012-03-09T06:46:36.321-07:002012-03-09T06:46:36.321-07:00Wonderful post! I have no children but so enjoy be...Wonderful post! I have no children but so enjoy being an aunt and great aunt. Letting children take the lead is so important to their comfort level!Lindahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09606687719768606817noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-65037377193742151442012-03-07T22:52:18.119-07:002012-03-07T22:52:18.119-07:00All excellent comments. I remember my mother-in-l...All excellent comments. I remember my mother-in-law saying, when I had my first baby, "We'll call you sometimes and say we'd really like to have the baby for the weekend, but please don't ask us to babysit otherwise." I so appreciated having clear rules. She was a lovely, loving grandmother.<br /><br />With our own grandchildren, we see the twins for a week or so in July and December at our house without their parents. That seems to work. The other grandchildren we see from time to time at family gatherings and as emergency daycare every now and then. That works for us also. As far as I know, everyone is fine with our grandparenting.Linda Myershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05706455533282204519noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-80415252530518779762012-03-07T11:33:27.970-07:002012-03-07T11:33:27.970-07:00Wow! This should be posted everywhere!
Great advic...Wow! This should be posted everywhere!<br />Great advice, peppered by fantastic anecdotes. All grandparents could definitely use these hints.Rosaria Williamshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03133147851332084180noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-86587117067127415932012-03-06T13:42:22.836-07:002012-03-06T13:42:22.836-07:00There is so much good advice here. I know I'll...There is so much good advice here. I know I'll be reviewing these, especially if grandchildren ever come along.<br /><br />I have seen little ones be overwhelmed by all the adults cooing over them, and I remember being so shy as a kid, and wanting to disappear when a fuss was being made over me.jenny_ohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15475480579733466963noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-63036971639229268882012-03-06T06:19:41.501-07:002012-03-06T06:19:41.501-07:00Kathy, this post has a lot of applications to not ...Kathy, this post has a lot of applications to not only friends and relatives but also to those who are entering into the lives of children who belong to the person they are dating. Kevin and Greg were seven and nine when I met them, and I'm pleased to say I think I intuitively followed all or most of your steps. But it could have just as easily gone the other way -- I was in my 40s, didn't have the experience of being around lots of little relative children (or even friend children) and I sure hoped those boys would like me. Yet, I took my time and let them find theirs, not pushing or forcing fun or surprises. Rick was good, too -- and that made a difference. He "got it" and didn't try to push us together. We were always the less flashy parents -- the ones who didn't have a big boat or big cars or fancy electronics. We played board games! So, there was a different kind of parental set-up, the have-a-lots and the don't-really-care-that-we-don't-have-a-lots! But we had lots of love, lots of listening and it really didn't take all that long to build a very close bond -- one of my happiest days was when Greg, then 11 or 12, so about two or three years later -- surprised me with flowers on Mother's Day -- Rick said it was Greg's idea. I don't think I was ever more touched. Sixteen years later, they both call me just to talk. I hope I can remember all these things when they bring home their own little ones someday!Jeaniehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17482528482559445943noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-58954372346830994192012-03-06T02:13:58.790-07:002012-03-06T02:13:58.790-07:00Great advice and perfect timing. I'm heading ...Great advice and perfect timing. I'm heading to Texas on Saturday to visit my granddaughters during their spring break. I have a hard time with #7. Last time I was coming to visit my son in law told them "You know Nana's coming tomorrow. You know what that means?" And they both replied, "Presents!" He was talking about cleaning up their rooms because I share with each of them when I visit.#1Nanahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04214011945298439939noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-6654335808594806652012-03-05T21:12:40.957-07:002012-03-05T21:12:40.957-07:00Thanks, Sally! I can't imagine how difficult i...Thanks, Sally! I can't imagine how difficult it must be to keep that balance of loving involvement on the one hand and over-stepping on the other. When you love and care so much, it's very hard.Dr. Kathy McCoyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02903015507894951725noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-36262967601061681952012-03-05T21:11:33.819-07:002012-03-05T21:11:33.819-07:00Excellent point, Broad! Relationships are always a...Excellent point, Broad! Relationships are always a two-way street -- and some people do lose sight of that.Dr. Kathy McCoyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02903015507894951725noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-2405197443386744602012-03-05T21:10:36.320-07:002012-03-05T21:10:36.320-07:00No, I don't think it's weird at all! If it...No, I don't think it's weird at all! If it's any reassurance, my brother, sister and I were most drawn to the least conventionally feminine member of the family. Aunt Molly was a career woman, childless and not the soft, cuddly mother figure. But she was even more special to us because of this. We loved that she wasn't traditional. We greatly enjoyed her edge. Of all the people who loved us as kids, she stands out the most in our loving memories. Maybe it will be the same with your future grandkids. They might not be as receptive to the excited mother type as they will be to your more laid-back style.Dr. Kathy McCoyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02903015507894951725noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-34478754946344116182012-03-05T21:06:07.163-07:002012-03-05T21:06:07.163-07:00Oh, I know! Isn't it painful when you want to ...Oh, I know! Isn't it painful when you want to show your love, but have to back off? Maggie had stranger anxiety for a very long time and is only just now getting to the point of establishing relationships with those who are not part of her life on a daily basis. My brother told me that over the weekend, he was scrolling through some photos on his iPAD and a picture of me came up. He said Maggie got very excited and said "TaTa! There's TaTa!" using his own baby name for me (which he called me when he was a toddler and couldn't say "Kathleen" and then again after I turned 50, in a gesture of great affection. I loved hearing that! But it has taken a long time to get to that point with her. It's so hard when you love a baby right away but the baby needs more time to size you up and decide you're O.K.Dr. Kathy McCoyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02903015507894951725noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-32267197230021543992012-03-05T21:02:09.219-07:002012-03-05T21:02:09.219-07:00Thank you, Shelly. I hope I am able to contribute ...Thank you, Shelly. I hope I am able to contribute in a positive way to the lives of Maggie and Henry. And I do hope to have a loving relationship with both.Dr. Kathy McCoyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02903015507894951725noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-66262854751087819452012-03-05T21:00:51.345-07:002012-03-05T21:00:51.345-07:00Thanks, Perpetua! How fantastic that you had such ...Thanks, Perpetua! How fantastic that you had such great role models for grandparenthood!Dr. Kathy McCoyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02903015507894951725noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7754684819908801536.post-1425921914195460452012-03-05T20:38:53.222-07:002012-03-05T20:38:53.222-07:00Good advice, Kathy, very good advice. Grand paren...Good advice, Kathy, very good advice. Grand parenting can be so difficult. I tend to step in too soon at times when it comes to correcting the grandchildren. When I do, I am usurping the parental authority. I hope I am getting better than I once was.Sally Wesselyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06470453773515491625noreply@blogger.com